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I ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. 

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Published by 

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Jackson, Tennessee 



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Copyright July, 1920, 

By 

Vee Dee Ess. 

Positively All Rights Reserved — including that of 
Dramatization, Filmization and Translation into 
Foreign Languages, including Sanskrit, Hebrew, 
Ancient Egyptian and Hoodoo. 



^-^ "1 1£20 



g)C!,A601860 



To Crox IPho Sleeps 
in Flanders Field. 




"She said, 'I print 'em!' 
'Nay, nay,' said he; 
'It shan't be done — 
I'll never agree.' 

"They chewed the rag 
For many a day; 
But, being a nurse. 

She must have her way. 

"So to the woman's 

Dog-goned persistence 
Is due the blame 

For this book's existence." 

Bee O. Bee. 
October, 1919. 



ADVANCE AGENT. 



The fact that a Foreword is seldom read has not 
altered my determination to offer an explanation 
in some form. 

These honest-to-goodness letters were written by 
a sergeant in the U. S. Army and a nurse in civil life. 
There have been no additions whatever, and but few 
deductions. 

The correspondence originated in a very singular 
manner and resulted in — but here are the letters; 
read them and have an example of Truth being 
stranger than Fiction. 



INTRODUCTION. 



Time— Dec. 19, 1917. 

Place — A little town in Tennessee. 

Scenes — (a) Indoors. 

A quiet, peaceful, inviting room, ruddy with 

firelight. 
A clock ticking lazily. 
A charming convalescent patient (Mrs. J — ) 

reading the Memphis Commercial Appeal. 
A trained nurse (Miss Ess) planning how to 

get even with Fate. 

(b) Outdoors. 
"And the air is full of snowflakes 
And the bare trees shake and tremble; 
Deeply sighing are the branches 
With their lifting and subsiding 
At the passing of the nightwind 
As he howls and hurries southward." 

Miss Ess — "Gee, I wish you'd listen at tliat wind! I 
want to get out and rush around with it, for 
I feel as wild and wayward as the night out- 
side and I'm just dying to play havoc wtih 
something or somebody. 
As Fate has decreed that I can't go to France, 
Then I'd like to get out and play havoc with 
Fate." 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Mrs. J. — "Good ! Here's your chance. Read this." 

Miss Ess — (reading this "ad" from the Commercial 
Appeal) : 

NO LETTER FOR 13 MONTHS. 

Scr^t. Bee O. Bee of Memphis, now 
a member of Company E, 153d Infantry, 
at Camp Beauregard, La., writes a pe- 
culiar letter, in which he makes a novel 
suggestion. He writes about Sergt. 
Croxton of the same com|>any. 

Sergt. Croxton, he says, has been a 
soldier so long that he has decided that 
there is no outside world. He has seen 
service with our flag all over the world, 
but he is not acquainted with anybody 
in Dixie. 

Sergt. Croxton has not received a let- 
ter in 13 months. 

The Commercial Appeal would be 
glad if some one would write to Sergt. 
Croxton and send him a Christmas 
souvenir. 

Think what it means for a man not 
to receive a single letter for 13 months ! 

We know that Sergt. Croxton is a 
good soldier. We are sure that he will 
do his duty over here or over there. 



Mrs. J. — "Now suppose you get even with Fate by 
writing Sergt. Croxton a letter." 

Miss Ess— "I'll tell you what I'll do— I'll just give 
Sergt. Bee a dose instead !" 

And such was the beginning of this book. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



T , Tennessee. 

Dec. 23, 1917. 
Dear Sergt. Bee O. Bee: 

Your communication in the Commercial Appeal in 
behalf of your friend, Groxton, was indeed most pa- 
thetic. It brought tears to my eyes, sorrow to my 
heart, expostulations to my lips, and a shock to my 
delicate nervous system to think of dear, desolate, 
dreary, disconsolate, doleful, dejected, deserted 
Groxton wand'ring 'round for thirteen long months 
huming in the minor key, "The Letter That I Longed 
for Never Game." 

Poor fellow! — please extend to him my deepest 
sympathy. Tell him that the greatest disappointment 
of my life is that Fm a complete failure in the ca- 
pacity of letter writing, else I should be pleased to 
send him one every day for the next thirteen months. 
Bless his dear little soldier heart! — I hope some one 
will be merciful enough to send him at least a Xmas 
card. I would do so myself but am also a failure 
when it comes to selecting appropriate Xmas cards. 
But there's one capacity in which I'm a howling suc- 
cess, and that is in the selection of uplifting litera- 
ture for my fellow-beings as they wearily wander 
through this wicked world. Therefore, in lieu of a 
letter, I'm sending him one of the classics, "That 
Pup," which I hope he will enjoy to the fullest extent 
of his intellectual ability. 



10 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

It was awfully nice of you to come to your friend's 
rescue and to lend him a helping hand in the hour of 
need. Such consideration for the unfortunate will 
doubtless put some twinklers in the crown which I 
hope you are to receive by and by. 

If there are others of your acquaintance who are 
short on the letter-reciving proposition please send 
me their names and I'll remember them in my 
prayers. 

With many thoughts of poor Groxton, 

I am truly, 

(Miss) Vee Dee Ess. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 11 

Camp Beauregard, La. 
December the last, 
Nineten hundred and— WAR DECLARED ! 

My (?) Dear Miss Ess: 

Your very auto-biographical letter just received. 
I appreciate your heartfelt, courageous, spirit-consol- 
ing, let-'er-slip type of ever ready "Peace on earth, 
good will toward men" view of the matter! It was 
very thoughtful of you to hand me the bouquet in 
the form of a lemon shrub instead of mailing poor 
Crox a Xmas card. 

Yes, Sergt. Croxton is a real dyed-in-the-wool 
friend of "yours truly," and being sadly in the mire 
of solitude and desolation, I deemed it my diaconal 
duty to dispatch a declaration of distress to the differ- 
ent domestic domiciles of Dixie in order that he, 
Sergt. Croxton, should receive letters, post cards, 
parcels and packages just as other men did. But as 
a matter of fact when I deliver to him your message 
and perhaps allow him to read your soul-inspiring 
letter, he will doubtless be greatly rejoiced that you 
kindly refrained from jotting him a line of remem- 
brance or a single card of Xmas greeting. However 
it is possible that he will not judge too harshly when 
I remind him that you are a dead failure with the 
sole exception of being approximately a success at 



12 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

selecting uplifting literature for illiterate humanity 
and supply sergeants. By the way, I'd like to inquire 
whether you have read Homer, Cicero, or Young 
Wild West. 

Well, my dear self-appointed friend, I must close 
the chin music and git bizzy. 

I am yours "till Niagara Falls," 

Sergt. Bee 0. Bee. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 13 

January 8, 1918. 
Dear Sergt. Bee; 

If what I handed you was a lemon shrub then I 
must say that you have handsomely repaid me by 
sending in return the full grown bush, heavily laden ! 
Yes, I discovered lemons galore, not only in the lines 
themselves, but also snugly nestled between the lines; 
therefore as my former letter seems to have incurred 
your displeasure I suppose an explanation, also an 
apology, is in order — so here goes: 

When I read your note in the paper I imagined 
it was simply a joke that you were playing on your 
friend. I pictured Croxton as a jovial, good-natured 
fellow who received about thirteen letters each day 
and that you, his pal, resorted to that method of guy- 
ing him about it and of increasing his daily supply of 
letters to an unlimited number. Upon my word that 
is the exact construction I placed upon what you 
wrote to the paper. So I thought that, just for fun, 
Vd send a reply. However it is very evident that you 
failed to accept that reply in the spirit in which it 
was intended, which is not at all surprising if you 
were really in earnest about your statements con- 
cerning your friend. And in that very same spirit 
of fun I mailed him the crazy little book, "That Pup." 
Wonder did he get it ! 

Well, so much by way of explanation. Now I sup- 
pose the next thing on the program is the apology. 
And by the way, apologizing is my long suit. Noth- 
ing on earth gives me more pleasure than to beg 
people's pardon ! In fact, I've spent half my life 



14 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



doing mean things in order that I might spend the 
other half apologizing for them. And tonight finds 
me just in the humor to contrive a particularly pa- 
thetic one, therefore I submit the following which I 
hope will meet with your approbation : 




With tearful eyes, on bended knees, 
I seek thine anger to appease; 
For what I wrote the other day 
You'll please forgive me, won't you? — Say I 

Vee Dee Ess. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 15 



Camp Beauregard, Jan. 15th. 

My dear Miss Vee Dee: 

'Tis with a convalescing pen and a trembling right 
forefoot that I try to communicate with you this 
evening, — in other words Vm slinging a feeble quill. 
Now if I really handed you so much tropical fruit 
of the sour variety please forgive me, for I am only 
a poor sergeant soldiering for Old Glory and am not 
supposed to be a poet or a dramatist. 

Now, Miss V. D., lets you and I arbitrate. You sit 
down here on this — no, wait a moment and I'll rush 
over and borrow a camp stool from the Lieutenant. 
Ah, here we are! You will please excuse my sur- 
roundings, for camp life is not like our drawing- 
room at home. Now I have punched up the fire and 
am ready to begin. First, I stand before you, taking 
the position of our hero of a century past. Nap Bona- 
parte — my arms folded over my chest, a troubled 
look in my eyes. I kick my canteen and register 
"Worry." 

Now I run in the elocution : — My Dear Vee Dee, 'tis 
the rarest of my happy moments to be with you this 
evening. I have come to you — or you have come to 
me, which? — to clear up the Croxton case. Sergt. 
Croxton is my friend and bunkie. I met him two 
years ago in South America. He was in the Marines 
and I with the Engineers. My time was out and I 



16 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

went home — to Memphis — where I could find a pretty 
girl, see a snow, and get cussed by a policeman. At 
last I broke off diplomatic relations with the Kraut 
Eaters and enlisted in the Infantry. Here I finds my 
old pal, Crox, who really had received neither a 
letter nor a card for thirteen months. 

Now dear Vee Dee, lets you and I k — , I mean 
shake hands and make up. I'll admit that I'm a 
plebeian, but the General has selected me for the 
Officers' Training School at San Antonio. I hope you 
will find it convenient to let me hear from you be- 
fore I leave Camp Beauregard. 

Honest Injun, your letters appeal to me, for they 
are the right brand to cheer a fellow up, bubbling 
over with high-class humor. I'll promise not to hand 
you another lemon as long as you do me the honor 
of writing to me. 

With best regards, I am yours till they move the 
equator to Greenland. 

Bee O. Bee. — or Bob. 

P. S. Woman, thou art forgiven! 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 17 



At Home, Jan. 23rd. 

So we'll bury the little hatchet and smoke the Pipe 
o' Peace! Yes, I'm tickled to death that we're on 
speaking terms again and that you have decided not 
to treat me like a stepchild any more, 'cause I don't 
like to be knocked at and sat down upon and treated 
like I didn't have any heart at all, at all ! Now if you 
ever mail me any more lemons I'm going to pray 
that the bad-man will get you. My prayers, by the 
way, have great influence. So now ! Be good ! 

Well, I greatly enjoyed that little visit to you in 
your tent, and since we have succeeded in satisfac- 
torily disposing of the Croxton case, I shall now have 
you spend a whole hour with me in my humble quar- 
ters in snowbound Tennessee, — "Sunny" has become 
a misnomer, for the sun has ceased to show his face 
around here any more. 

At 8:30 P. M. you enter the room. Quaking with 
fear and trembling, I behold a veritable Napoleon 
of old ! My heart stands still, but my woman's tongue 
comes to its rescue and I venture to exclaim with af- 
fected bravery:- "Now look here, Mr. Bee 0. Bee, you 
will please hasten to lay aside that Napoleonic ex- 
pression and that Bonaparte tone of voice, else I'll ex- 
press you to a far-away body of land surrounded by 
water and there let you die all by your lonesome; 
for we're not going to have our evening spoiled with 
those superior, shockingly non-sentimental, soldierly 



18 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

airs. Just take this good old-fashioned chair and 
this box o' cigars — 'cause you'd better smoke here 
than hereafter — and sit down in this good old-fash- 
ioned way, forgetting that there ever were any sol- 
diers, or wars, or enemies to lick." 

Then while you smoke I'll talk about — lots of 
things ! 

Directly the cigar has fallen, — and thou, too, hast 
fallen — fast asleep! Good-night, Bobbie — sweet 
dreams ! 

Your friend, 

Dee. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 19 

4th Inf. Co. O. T. C. 
Camp Stanley, Texas. 
Feb. 5th, 18. 
My dear Friend : 

I wrote you from Houston, Texas, giving you my 
future address but have not heard from you. Prob- 
ably you have decided to break off diplomatic rela- 
tions with me, however I am going to write you a 
few lines this P. M. 

They sure are working me some. But I can't worry 
over that as I am a hard worker to begin with. 1 
am not in the least afraid of work; in fact, I can lay 
me down right by the side of work and go to sleep. 
I am about as industrious as the proverbial sluggard 
that was recommended to visit the proverbial ant. 
Now we take it for granted that I am the before-men- 
tioned sluggard and you are unit of industry, the ant. 
Naturally if I visit the scenes of industry, I, the 
sluggish sluggard, will slug around at about the noon 
hour. Of course it will not be on a wheatless, meatless, 
sweetless, or eatless day. You will observe me with 
my belt hooked up to the last notch, my eyes sunken 
and dark around the lids, my face registering "Hun- 
ger" in great volume, — verily a fit subject for the 
Muses, for you accost me with the jingle which the 
fairies pull off in the 2nd act: 

"Your cap is on crookit, 
Your shoe is unhookit. 
You may not be drunk 
But be-jabbers you lookit." 



20 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

So you usher the said sluggard in and announce 
that you will donate a large healthy sandwich if he 
will doll himself up to such an extent that the dog 
deems him clean enough to bark at. Then he tells 
you that he is the battle-scarred veteran of many cam- 
paigns who used to write you from Gamp Beaure- 
gard, — a sergeant who drew a monthly conditional 
stipend of $38! 

But fighting has gone out of fashion; my trade is 
banished; no more do I pause with satisfied smile to 
wipe the blood from my bayonet. My dear, I am giv- 
ing you an illustration of myself in 1925 A. D. 

But as I started out to say, I am working hard now, 
so when I call 'round after wars are out of date you 
can have a little sympathy for me and say, "Well, 
the boob worked at Camp Stanley, Texas !" 

I am expecting to get a furlough about the middle 
of April and shall visit sister in dear old Memphis 
town. 

Well, I must close for I hear "Soupy." 

Yours &c., 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 21 



At Home, Feb. 14th. 

Well, good morning, Mr. Rip Van Winkle, — hope 
you enjoyed your nap! I'd just begun to wonder 
whether you'd entered the land o' dreamless sleep; 
but am glad that, like Marse Rip, you decided to 
rouse up after so long a time, get your paper, pen and 
ink together and send me an account of yourself 
since you left Camp Beauregard. Then, too, I've 
been hearing that pneumonia was causing a high 
death-rate among the soldiers at San Antonio, — three 
hundred during the month of January. It made me 
wonder if, among that number, Mr. Death had had 
the audacity to step in and put a quietus on your 
heart! However I'm glad he is permitting you to 
'bide a wee longer here, 'cause I think we need slug- 
gards ( ?) like you to help bring "Peace on earth good 
will toward men." But if you should have to go be- 
fore that day of peace arrives be sure to let me know, 
and I'll bring the sweetest flower that the forest af- 
fords and reverently lay it upon the grave of one 
who fought for the Stars and Stripes. Gee, that 
"forest flower" stuff reads like Longfellow, doesn't it? 
And the entire sentence reads like it's a cinch that 
you're going to beat me to that other world, when 
who knows but that I'll get there and tired o' waiting 
long before you put in your appearance! But if I 
should be half a century ahead of you, don't think 
that I've forgotten you, for when you look at the 



22 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

stars I shall be peeping at you through the very 
brightest one in the heavens and shall be 

Winking at you 

And blinking at you. 

And bidding you hurry 

And come on too. 

At this juncture I want to extend the right hand of 
Christian fellowship to those who are working you to 
a frazzle at Camp Stanley! Now, to make a short 
story long, that reads like (the) Dickens, doesn't it? 
— so I'll meliorate the remark by explaining that I'm 
possessed with the jim-jams this morning, and like 
Bobbie Burns, I feel like writing a "zig-zag, helter- 
skelter, ram-stam, pell-mell, mile-long letter, just as 
if some spirit from the nether world were looking 
over my shoulder, smiling complacently, and bidding 
me give vent to the effusions, the rattle-headed ef- 
fusions of reckless spirits just as they flow, fresh from 
the spring." 

Do I have these attacks often? Oh no; only a pe- 
culiar hereditary idioscyncrasy, and I'm perfectly 
harmless when under its influence. You see I'm 
minus a night's sleep — was up with a sick child last 
night — but am planning to take a nap at the close of 
this edifying epistle. 

I'm glad you like San Antonio, — ^but the question 
that confronts me now is what title I shall give you 
since you changed camps. Are you still Sergt. Bee, 
or are you Somebody Else? Gome to think of it, 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 23 

you may be a Married Man for all I know. How 
about it? If you are, then I want to put a quietus on 
our foolishness; for of course I don't want to be en- 
croaching upon another woman's territory. 

Now really when I sent you my first letter I had 
no intention that a regular correspondence should 
ensue — just thought I'd let you know I caught 
on to your joke on your friend, Crox. You were not 
soliciting a correspondent for yourself at all, so of 
course the fault is all my own and for all I know my 
letters may be an imposition upon good nature. But 
if you're really not married and are free to write 
to whomsoever you please then I'll be glad to hear 
from you whensoever you care to write, for I think 
you write awfully cute letters even if you do snow- 
ball me with a lemon now and then. 

Now I'll say good-bye. Whoever you are, "may the 
Father of mercies watch o'er you and every good 
thing attend you," is the sincere wish of your friend, 

Vee Dee Ess. 



24 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Gamp Stanley, Texas. 

Feb. 20th. 
My dear Miss Vee Dee: 

Let's you and I arbitrate a little more. Now I have 
always been a happy-go-lucky fellow that loved the 
whole world; never had any trouble making friends; 
could even smile on the 1st of the month when the 
bills came due. And you, fair woman, come along 
and ask if I am married! But of course you can't 
tell what brand of smile a fellow wears by reading 
(or would decipher be a better word?) his letters. 
No, Vee Dee, I am not married — just a wand'ring 
wreck from a correspondence tech, a heck of an en- 
gineer. That is, before I awoke one morning in a 
patriotic mood and found myself a few hours later 
with one hand and one eye pointing toward heaven, 
slowly repeating after an army office words to this 
effect: "I, Bee O. Bee, do solemnly swear (or affirm) 
to bear true faith and allegiance" — etc. — "so help 
me God." Since then I have been a soldier, — not a 
soldier of Fortune, but a soldier of the U. S. A. and 
partly under the diligent care of Miss-fortune; that 
is. Miss-fortune does the directing and commanding 
of my personal affairs, such as love-making, corre- 
sponding, running guard lines, and passing inspec- 
tion on Saturday morning. However it seeims that I 
have succeeded in pulling one over her, for I am glad 
you think of my letters as you do. I enjoy your letters 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 25 

very much, for they help to cheer me up and make 
every inch of a smile stagger out. I hope we may 
continue to be good friends. 

Nov^ this is the plan that I would suggest. I will 
be "Big Brother" who is only a volunteer in the army 
— it's a family secret, but he's a failure. You be "Big 
Sis," and I'll try to change around till you will not 
be so badly disappointed in your Big Brother. That's 
the way I would like to look at it. How does the 
idea suit Miss Vee Dee? 

You see if I should sit down here and swear by the 
shades of Julius A. Caesar that I loved you dearer 
than fruit cake, and that if you refused to accept my 
bleeding heart I would stagger into a drug store and 
order a carbolic acid cocktail (which would be the 
last of the game except the new dress the under- 
taker's daughter would get) you would know it was 
a lie, and so would I. 

But don't get it into your head that I am not capable 
of loving, for when it comes to falling in love I am 
one of the grand old masters — Mark Antony and 
Romeo look like woman haters in comparison with 
Sergt. Bee 0. Bee. 

I am thinking it possible that I will get a furlough 
about the 20th of April. I have got to rush over to 
Memphis to kiss Sister — eighteen months since I have 
kissed the girl that really loves me and is true to me. 
Now tell this wand'ring Arab how far you are from 
Memphis. 



26 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Just to find whether you have the nerve to write me 
after seeing how a real good landscape can be 
spoiled, I am inclosing a kodak picture of myself 
taken when I was on guard. Now don't cast it from 
thee just because the god of Beauty was taking a 
week-end in the country when 1 was turned out. But 
of course we both couldn't be real handsome, so I 
will leave the beauty to you and the war maneuvers 
I will run myself. 

We have some peaceful hours at the Y. M. C. A. It 
is just as nice and quiet as a boiler factory. A 
plumber (?) is playing "Over There" on the piano, 
and, between you and me, if I ever get him over 
there I'm going to stick my bayonet through him. 
You ask if I don't like music. Sure I do, but who 
said anything about music? 

Well, I inusn't take all your time — ten pages now 
and nothing said. 

Yours till I play Yankee Doodle on the Kaiser's 
piano and then awhile. 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 27 

T , Feb. 26th. 

"Life is a game we play, 

And sometimes the luck may be bitter; 
We in the game must stay, 

Nothing is worse than a quitter." 

No, I haven't the remotest intention of retiring from 
the game because of the fact that you're not going to 
write to me in a 

"In life's delight, in death's dismay. 
In health and sickness and decay; 
In storm and sunshine, night and day. 
Here and hereafter I am thine" tone of voice! 
Indeed the "Big Brother" and "Big Sis" idea suits me 
to a fare-ye-well, — 'cause you know a big sis has 
divers privileges with her big brother. For instance, 
when the world goes all wrong and I feel like pounc- 
ing on you with all the blame and calling you a good- 
for-nothing stand-up-in-the-corner, you can't do a 
thing but smile and say, "That's Big Sis and she has 
a perfect right to unload her heart upon me!" Then, 
on the other hand, if I should happen to catch myself 
in a combination poetic and sentimental mood and 
should spring something like the following on you: 
"Big Sis is tuff, her ways are ruff. 
But her heart is on the level; 
If you get blue I'll pray for you, 
'Cause I love you like the d ," you couldn't af- 
ford to think it other than a sister's love for her kid 
brother. Really I think that a fine and dandy plan, 



28 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

for I'll now feel free to "pour my thoughts all right 
out upon you, just as they are, chaff and grain to- 
gether; certain that a faithful brother's hand will 
take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and 
with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." 

Was awfully glad to get your little picture. But I 
take issue with you in your statement about the god 
of Beauty having forgotten you, for Big Sis has no 
kick coming about your looks, — in fact, I think 
Apollo handed you a right liberal share of his dope. 
And gee, I'll bet old man Mars is, just crazy to get you 
into the scrap "Over There," 'cause you look like one 
who could do some good work in his line. How much 
do you weigh? And you didn't tell me your age, so 
I'm going to guess you about twenty-five. 

Now since you were so nice as to send me your own 
likeness, I'll be so kind as to mail you one of mine 
in a day or two. It flatters me greatly, but I wouldn't 
dare accept one that didn't! 

Yes, I know you'll be glad to get home in April — 
and Kid, I'll be glad for you ! But you'd better wait 
till you get my picture before you decide definitely 
whether you want to know how far I live from Mem- 
phis. 

Say, I have a book that I know you would enjoy, — 
that is, if you haven't read it. However I imagine 
you're a guy who has read everything from "Peck's 
Bad Boy" to "Pilgrim's Progress." Your mind seems 
to be a sort of knowledge junk shop wherein you can 
find almost anything you want. Anyhow I want to 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 29 

know whether you've read "A House-Boat on the 
Styx." If not, then I want to send it to you. 

Well, I must stop my foolishness, say my prayers 
and turn in. Guess, among other things, Fll have to 
ask forgiveness for the idle words I've written you to- 
night. Now do you know I often wonder whether 
the Bible really means what it says about folks hav- 
ing to give an account of their idle words. If so, then 
where will you and I land? 

Goodnight; write again soon to 

Big Sis. 



30 G REEK MEETS GREEK 

March 1st, 1918. 
Dear Big Sis : 

Here I am again tonight in good spirits — in love 
with the whole world. My rifle and bayonet are clean 
and I've got my lessons so I can explain things ac- 
cording to Hoyle, therefore I have a cigarette pro- 
truding from a satisfied smile, believing very strong- 
ly in the old adverb, 

"Laugh and the world laugh with you, 
Snore and you sleep alone." 

Yes, I find myself spectator of a little drama; for 
miraculous fairy Pen is dipping brilliant ideas from 
the depths of Garter's Blue-Black and scattering them 
over the white sheets — all for you. Why do I want to 
persecute you in such manner? Well, you see that 
in my writings to father I have to give him my views 
on war conditions. Then I have to talk furloughs 
to sister. My friends back at Camp Beauregard have 
me explaining the latest styles in trench warfare. And 
when I write to my Queen of Hearts I have to recite 
poetry and tell her why I think Kipling excels 
Shakespeare. You are the only one that I can write 
to just as my heart dictates. 

BUT — the information that I am seeking now is 
why I have got to see your picture before I can git 
the magnetic meridian, vertical interval, map dis- 
tance, geographical location, and direction of T 

when orientation is taken at Memphis, the same state 
and territory. What connection has your picture 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 31 

with my study of geographical area and three cts. 
per mile R. R. fare? — huh? 

Now Miss Vee Dee, dear Rig Sis, kind Friend, 
Senorita, Signorina, Fraulein, and dear Mademoi- 
selle, will you please be so kind and condescending 
as to stoop without bending and bring this argument 
to an ending by furnishing me with information lead- 
ing to the discovery of direction and distance you are 
from Memphis? 

I am going to be tickled to death to get your pic- 
ture for Fm crazy over your letters. 

Speaking of the prune market in South Africa re- 
minds me of the check marks that Father Time has 
placed opposite my name and labeled "Events," 
which have now reached approximately the total of 
seven, — viz, 

Event No. 1 — I was born (are you startled at the 
revelation?) twenty- four years ago, it 
was. 

" No. 2 — I sailed for South America. (No, the 
sheriff did not pursue me.) 

" No. 3 — I stepped on a banana peel in Chicago. 

" No. 4 — I became a soldier — that is, camou- 
flaged as one. 

" No. 5. — I meet my old tropical friend, Crox — 
his face is sunburned but his heart 
is not. 

" No. 6 — I stole a kiss — but honest, I tried to 
give it back. 

" No. 7 — I received a letter from you. 



32 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Now of course you can readily understand that 
Event No. 3 made the most lasting impression upon 
me. But somehow I always was unlucky. I was 
born under that ill omen planet, Saturn. "A hint to 
the wise is sufficient" — I'm trying to borrow a 
quarter; also looking for sympathy, as every "s" is 
torn out of my dictionary. 

By the way, I shall be glad to read your "House- 
Boat on the Styx." 

May the goddess that has you in charge look over 
you. 

Yours till Fritz throws fits, 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 33 



March 4, 1918. 
Dear Bob: 

\our brilliant ideas received. Yes, just write 
whenever and whatever your heart dictates and Big 
Sis will understand. 

Now, as far as you and I are concerned, Kipling 
and Shakespeare can go to — Alaska; Tor we are lucky 
enough to stand in with the Muses. If we want to 
read good poetry we don't have to go to Kipling or 
anybody else, — we can just make up our own verses 
and let Kipling and his gang rest. 

And Billy Shakespeare! Gee, who'd give a rap to 
read his dope when they have a few of your letters 
on hand ! By the way, I'm keeping all of them. What 
for? Perhaps I'll need a tonic when I'm feeble and 
old and gray. 

Am mailing you photograph under separate cover. 
Bye bye. 

Big Sis. 




Do you still want to know how far I live from 
Memphis? 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 35 



March 7, 1918. 

As I gaze upon your photograph my soul drifts 
away into the fields of red clover; therefore 

"I'm dreaming of you tonight, dear Kate, 
With your hair so silky and black; 

I've wondered, dear Kate, since I left you 
If you'd ever welcome me back. 

"To the time when life was gay, dear Kate, 

My heart goes stealing back, 
Before I polished a bayonet 

Or ever I shouldered a pack. 

"It may be a long, long time, dear Kate, 

Before I whisper your name; 
For I am rolling the dice, dear Kate, 

And Fate is banking the game. 

"I'm coming right home to you, dear Kate, 

As soon as I stake my claim 
Out in the middle of No-Man's-Land, 

Or as soon as we give it a name. 



36 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

"I long to look into your liquid eyes, 

Eyes like the Devon Springs, 
Eyes that set my brain in a whirl 

And make me dream of things. 

"When all this war is over. Dear Kate, 

When all the strife is done, 
I'll have to come back and plow you, Kate — 

You long-eared sun-of-a-gunr 

HOW FAR DO YOU LIVE FROM MEMPHIS? 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 37 



March 10th. 

3% kicks from "Dear Kate" plus 1 flop of her ears 
equal % the distance I live from Memphis. You can 
readily compute the entire distance if you'll 

Let X equal the distance of 1 kick. 
" y " " " " 1 flop. 

Big Sis. 



38 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

4th Inf. Co., O. T. C. 

Gamp Stanley, Texas. 

Mar. 10th. 
Dear Vee Dee: 

It is Sunday and I feel like the last few hours of a 
misspent life. Do you know what kind of a feeling 
that is? No? Well, if you wish to be enlightened, the 
most satisfactory rule I have found is something like 
the following: 

The high cost of living — present funds + war 
bonds, undertaker's bills, together with your lovely 
photo -f- miles per hour of a consumptive snail, X the 
desire to live = RESULT. 

BUT THAT PHOTOGRAPH! Ah, Woman, your 
enticing beauty, signs of spring, and the Texas sky 
are too-oo-oo much! Angels of heaven, it has made 
my heart nothing less than a gushing fountain of 
love! I gaze upon that wonderful face with a heart 
supreme. Those lovely lips! — Holy Virgin, Mother 
Mary! — is it possible for such lips to belong to a liv- 
ing creature? Not so, — they are the lips of an angel. 
They recall to my mind a spasm of Bobbie Burns : 

"Turn away those rosy lips 
FilFd with balmy treasure. 
Turn away thine eyes of love 
Lest I die with pleasure." 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 39 

Also Mark Antony's spiel to Cleopatra :- 

"As for thee, star-eyed Egyptian! 
Glorious sorceress of the Nile ! 
Light the path to Stygian horrors 
With the splendors of thy grin." 

My star-eyed Sis! Ah, fluttering heart, sit still! I 
speak only five languages and yet I find myself 
speechless when attempting to describe optics such 
as yours. The only eyes I can compare them with 
are those of a sea-sick crocodile. 

Yes, my soul is now the soul of a poet and a lover; 
for 

The bees are singing, 

The flowers are humming, 

And the birds are making honey. 

I hope you will not be offended, but I got me a map 

and looked up T , so you need not bother about 

telling me where it is. I should like to have a letter 
from you before I leave here, but will raise anchor 
tomorrow, therefore my future address will be the 
old one, Co. E, 153rd Inf. Camp Beauregard, La. I 
sure am glad to be going back. I mailed you a post 
card folder of San Antonio this A. M. . 

You blast all my hopes by guessing me to be 
twenty-five years old when I am only twenty-four 
and three quarters, though no one believes it except 
the family Bible for I am judged to be about twenty. 
I weigh 167 lbs., have brown eyes, brown hair, dark 
complexion, and wear a number — no, wait a minute ! 



40 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

— I started to give the size of my shoe but will wait 
till you write me two or three more letters for I en- 
joy your letters very much. 

Well, Big Sis of the beautiful picture, I will now 
bid you goodnight. 

Yours till I'm elected President, 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 41 



Mar. 14th. 
Dear Bob: 

Your letter of the 10th just received. Was glad to 
hear again but sorry you had to resort to your geog- 
raphy in order to ascertain the location of T , for 

I wanted to tell you about it myself. 

I'm delighted that you're so well pleased with my 
photo; however you must bear in mind that it was 
made many years ago when I was in the bloom of 
young womanhood, but if you were aware of how 
many milestones I've passed on the journey of life 
since then, you might not be so extravagant in your 
declarations of undying love and devotion, — 'cause 
honey, I'm old enough to be yo' grandma! — for 

With locks of red 
And eyes of green 
I'm just approaching 
"Sweet six" — ty five. 

Now ain't you sorry you chewed the rag so hard 

about the location of T-^ ? But it seems that you 

and I just naturally must chew the rag about some- 
thing, for we no sooner succeeded in settling the 
Croxton case than we became confronted with this 

T and Memphis question for consideration. 

However, with the assistance of your geography, to- 
gether with the problem I sent you for solution, I 
trust that we shall be able to call a truce the second 
time and "pass the bottle round." 



^ GREEK MEETS GREEK 

But, by the way, I must tell you how your "Dear 
Kate" poem made me sin, — for that night while I was 
saying my prayers I happened to think of that un- 
godly last line, and I bust out laughing right then and 
there ! Now see what you made me do ! I asked God 
to forgive me though, and also asked Him not to 
forget to bless my dear little Big Brother. 

I am with a patient so will have to bid you good- 
night for this time. Remember me in your "Now I 
Lay Me Down to Sleep." And remember to write 
again soon to 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 43 

Lafayette, La., Mar. 13th, 
Sis: 

Hung up here for twenty-four hours. Believe I'll 
tear up the town. Bob. 



To Captain of Co. E, 153rd Infantry. 

Camp Beauregard, La. 

LOST— STRAYED— or STOLEN. 

A young Sergeant by the name of Bee 0. Bee — 24 
years old; brown eyes; brown hair; weight 167 lbs.; 
a "jack-at-all-trades," but especially excelling as a 
poet and a heart smasher. By the way, the little 
rascal has disappeared, not only with my latest 
photograph but also with my heart, and I'm anxious 
to have them refunded. 

When last heard from, which was almost a week 
ago, he was en route from Camp Stanley, Texas, to 
Camp Beauregard. 

Liberal reward offered for any information lead- 
ing to the whereabouts of said Bee. 

I inclose stamped envelope for reply. 

Truly, 

Box 257. 

T , Tennessee. 

March 19, 1918. 



44 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Camp Beauregard, La. 

March 23, 1918. 

From: — Commanding Officer, Co. E, 153rd Infantry. 

To: — Box 257, T , Tennessee. 

Subject — Whereabouts of Sergeant Bee. O. Bee. 

1. Sergeant Bee O. Bee reported to this company 
for duty from Camp Stanley in a military manner 
and was distressingly sober at the time of his ar- 
rival, which action on his part can hardly be ex- 
plained, because it is well known that he had to pass 
through the city of Lafayette, La., which city does 
not vote the prohibition ticket. 

2. Since his arrival Sergt. Bee has demonstrated 
the fact, hitherto unknown, that a poet and a heart 
breaker can also be an excellent soldier — if he so 
desires. 

3. Full steps will be taken to recover your pic- 
ture, but am sorry to state that I am at a loss as to 
the action necessary to restore your heart, as this is 
a matter which is entirely beyond the scope of mili- 
tary authorities. 

4. Will turn this communication over to Sergt. Bee 
and let him settle his family quarrels. 

Commanding Officer, Co. E. 
per 1st Sergeant, 
per Company Clerk, 
per Head K. P. 
B/H 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 45 



-, Tenn., Mar. 30th. 



Dear Mr. Commanding Officer: 

I'm sending you under separate cover the liberal 
reward which you so richly deserve for your kind- 
ness in furnishing me valuable information concern- 
ing that wandering Arab, Bee — information not only 
as to his whereabouts but also as to some of his dis- 
carded bad habits, for really I'm surprised at his 
showing up sober, considering that he and Bacchus 
have always been on the most intimate terms! Per- 
haps the good advice I've been giving him for lo 
these many days is responsible for the change. Oh 
the good we all may do while the war is rolling on ! 

Now, Mr. Captain, if you'll promise to camp on 
his trail and assist me in making a man of him, I'll 
send you by return post Liberal Reward No. 2. 

But a few words concerning Reward No. 1. Of 
course upon receipt of your information, the first 
thought that entered my mind was, "What gift shall 
I offer that could in any measure express my ap- 
preciation of such kindness?" My mind first hit on 
one half-dozen boxes of cigars. But no sooner had 
the thought struck me than I realized that Command- 
ing Officers did not smoke — at least not in this world 
— therefore I dared not offend your dignity with 
such an offering. 

Thought No. 2 — Realizing from the tone of your 
communication that you're an intellectual bug, — a 



46 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

man to whom good literature would appeal in the 
superlative degree, I decided that nothing could be 
more acceptable to one whose intellectuality is so 
far above par, than the book "That Pup" — one of 
my favorites — which I'm mailing you, with the in- 
junction that you refrain from being selfish with 
it; but after you have read it several times yourself 
just pass the good work on, thereby doing your bit 
in assisting to elevate your fellowman. 

Now let me again thank you for your kindness,— 
and that you may never fall into the hands of the 
Germans, nor any other Bad-Man, is the sincere 
wish of Box 257. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 47 



Camp Beauregard, La. 

3-22-'18. 

My dear Big Sis: 

When I report for duty at Camp Beauregard I 
eagerly salute your letter of the 14th, also your card 
of the 10th. You win on the rule for computing the 
distance between the two burgs in sunny Tennessee. 

Now your lovely photograph did not worry me in 
the least, for since I received your first letter I have 
been laboring under the correct impression, — as one 
could readily judge from the tone of your communi- 
cations that you were a young girl when Manhattan 
Island was a canebrake. 

We have just stood our over-sea examinations, 
which means that something will probably happen 
soon. I passed perfect on everything except my 
feet — my arches are somewhat "down in the mouth" 
but they won't be likely to cull me on that account. 
I want to get "Over There" in time for the round- 
up anyway. 

I don't know whether I've told you or not, but I'm 
a specialist on the heavy guns. The Major asked me 
today if I could explain the secret of the great Ger- 
man gun. Now of course I know everything, so I 
told him that they placed their gun on the east of 
Paris, shot the shell westward to a high altitude and 



48 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

merely let the world rush around under the shell. 
Now that's reasonable, don't you think? 

Taps has caught me, so the lights must go out. 

Lovingly, 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 49 



At Home, Mar. 29th. 
Dear Big Brother: 

I was glad to hear from you again for was begin- 
ning to wonder whether you had decided to "fold 
your tent like the Arabs and as silently steal away," 
therefore I sent a tracer after you. Am glad you're 
back at your old post for I don't believe you were 
crazy about Camp Stanley. 

Well, what are you doing these days? — everybody 
you can? What are you chewing? — the rag? Also 
what are you smoking? — not cigarettes, to be sure! 
And while I'm in an interrogating mood I'll also in- 
quire what has become of your friend, Croxton. 
Please tell him I'll appreciate it muchly if he'll write 
me a nice little note of thanks for the pup that I sent 
him. Of course he's crazy about it and I think it 
nothing but right and proper that he should tell me 
how lovely it was of me to remember him with such 
a valuable offering. 

No, honey, you're very much mistaken about my 
winning the game in reply to your poem, for I think 
that poem capped the climax, and I'm ready to con- 
fess that 

"Tho' I've belted you and flayed you, 
By the living Gawd that made you. 
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din." 

(with apologies to Kipling, after having promised to 
let him rest.) 



50 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Say, Bob, I have for some time been intending 
to ask your sister's name and address, 'cause if you 
should go "Over There" and should be too busy to 
write to me perhaps I might hear from you through 
her — for I want to keep in touch with my little Big 
Brother. I suppose your mother is not living as you 
have not spoken of her in any of your letters. 

Now, Bob, I must prepare to bring this to a close, 
though I'd be glad to sit here and cover the length 
and breadth of a dozen pages. But I'm with an- 
other patient this time and I find it rather difficult 
to collect my thoughts for a letter while I'm in the 
sick-room. If I don't mind I'll have you imagining 
I'm a nurse, won't I? But you mustn't get anything 
like that into your head. 

Am mailing you a little box of candy. Bye bye; 
write when you can for your letters are always wel- 
come. Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 51 



April 2nd. 
Sweet Big Sis : 

You sure are the dearest sis, 'cept one, in all the 
world even if you do play some awfully naughty 
pranks on your big brother. 

Yes, the Captain turned over your "Lost, Strayed, 
or Stolen" communication to me to answer. I was in 
charge of quarters that day and feeling quite mili- 
tary. And just a few minutes ago he called me over 
and handed me your letter of March 30th. But he 
says if his wife finds out where That Pup came from 
there sure will be a riot on hand. 

1 received your nice box of candy, also your 
"House-Boat on the Styx." I want to thank you but 
hardly know how to go about it. You certainly are 
some sis. Fin going to fool around yet and tell you 
that I love you and mean every word of it. 

Your "House-Boat" is line and dandy and I enjoyed 
it very much. But for the mind that is not fairly fa- 
miliar with history from Rameses down to P. T. 
Barnum I imagine it is very dry reading. 

Now when you take a notion to quote from Kipling 
don't offer him any apologies unless you wish to beg 
his pardon for substituting me for his good old 
water-boy, Gunga Din, instead of calling me Danny 
Deever. But pray tell me what you are, — for you 
have led me to believe that you were a nurse, and 
now you tell me to divest my mind of the idea. I 



52 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

can't exactly get you placed. Now fess up and tell 
me. 

My sister, Mrs. X. Y. Z., lives at St., Memphis. 

But if I do cross the Big Drink I'm not going to get 
too all-fired busy to write to you — for how do you 
expect me to whip Germany without your letters ! 

Well, Dee, I must now bid you adieu. 

Yours till Heinz runs out of pickles. 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



53 




Farewell, cruel World, Big Sis won't write! 
"Death, where is thy sting?" 



54 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



April 13th. 
Dear Bob: 

I didn't intend waiting so long to write you but 
have been very busy with a very, very sick patient, 
however I'll try to get in a few pages tonight. 

Guess I'll begin by expatiating on the letters and 
pup I sent the Captain. Of course I didn't know 
there was a Mrs. Captain, but even if I had I don't 
see that there would have been any harm in having 
written what I did, as it was all in fun. Hope his 
"better half" won't run across That Pup for I don't 
want to cause trouble in the camp. 

And so you think there's a bare probability of your 
saying to me, "I love you!" Why, honey, of course 
you love me! Who said you didn't? That's a dead- 
easy proposition that can be demonstrated by a com- 
bination algebra and geometry method. Here it is: 

Prove that Bob loves Dee, 

1. Big Brothers always love their Big Sisters. 

2. You're my Big Brother and I'm your Big Sis. 

3. Things equal to the same thing are equal to 
each other. (Axiom 1.) 

.*. you love me. 

Q. E. D. 

And by vice "versa-ing" the process, it can be just 
as readily demonstrated that I love you. So you see 
there's no use in our chewing the rag over self-evi- 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 55 

dent propositions; for of course by all the laws, both 
of nature and of mathematics, we couldn't possibly 
help loving one another even if we so desired. So 
now! 

And you want to know what I am! Well, honey, 
I've always wanted to tell you, and yet have hesi- 
tated for fear that you might howl on my profession; 
— for I'm a — a — fortune teller ! Want me to give 
you some pointers on yourself? 

Be a good boy and write again soon to 

Big Sis. 



56 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



April 16th. 
Dear Chinese Puzzle : 

At last I have a few minutes to run off just as my 
heart dictates. 

I hope my little Fortune Teller is in ship-shape. 
As for me, aside from a good dose of the north pole 
product (cold), I am ready to gq to the mat with any- 
thing from the Old Man with the sickle, long whiskers 
and hour glass down to listening to a reading from 
Mark Twain. 

Big Sis, please don't despise me but really I have 
misplaced your picture. Can't you afford to send 
me a tiny one instead of such a long drawn out one 
as the other? — for we should do our bit by cutting 
down the size of our photographs as well as the size 
of our shoes. Another thing that I think should be 
reduced in volume is a dose of salts. And I'm almost 
certain that at least 101% of the soldiers would favor 
the reduction of drill hours. But the minute you start 
cutting down my share of your letters I am going to 
advertise Mr. Hoover in every newspaper as a 
fraudulent quack, German spy, and a national 
enemy. 

Speaking of fortunes, I, Sergt. Bee of the U. S. 
Army, being of full age, sound body, but matrimonial 
mind and memory, do hereby make, ordain, publish 
and declare (consequences be blowed) this to be 
my last will and testament: 



GREEK MEETS GREEK J7 

First — I direct that all my just debts be paid after 
I am dead (only). 

Second — I do hereby give, devise and bequeath to 
Big Sis one victrola to give to a patient or throw in 
the creek or let the cook build a fire with its music- 
infected sides, as this bloomin' machine can't sit up 
here in the writing room and continue this "Over 
There" and "Long, Long Trail" stuff and at the same 
time me do my real duty as your Romeo with pen 
and ink. 

Third — I do hereby nominate, constitute and ap- 
point without bond, one Big Sis as sole executor of 
this my last will and testament. I hereby revoke all 
other agreements, dates, or matrimonial contracts 
by me made excepting my oath of enlistment into 
the U. S. Army. 

Signed this 16th day of April A. D. 1918. 

Sergt. Bob. 
U. S. Army. 
Witnesses 
General Prisoner, 

U. S. Army. 
General Delivery, 

U. S. Post Office. 



58 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



I, Big Sis, do make and publish this my will and 
testament hereby revoking all former wills and 
codicils by me at any time made. 

First — It is my will that as soon after my death as 
practical all my just debts, including funeral ex- 
penses, be paid by— WHOSOEVER WILL. 

Second — After the payment of all just debts and 
obligations and funeral expenses, 

"I leave the sunshine to the flowers, 
I leave the springtime to the trees 
And to the old folks memories 
Of a baby on their knees. 

I leave the night-time to the dreamer, 
I leave the song-bird to the blind; 
And the moon above to those in love 
When I leave the world behind." 

Third — And to my dear little Big Brother I leave 
not one, but each of the above-mentioned beautiful 
things of nature, — the singing birds, the sun-kissed 
flowers, the forest trees, the dewdrops that glisten 
at break of day and the "forget-me-nots of the 
angels" that blossom at night — the hills, the valleys, 
and the calm, strong mountains. 

"I leave you the power that nothing can 
o'er throw, — 
The power to smile and laugh the while 
A- journeying through life you go." 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 59 

And when you shall grow weary of the journey, and 
lying down by the wayside fall into that dreamless 
sleep, I leave a prayer that on your forehead shall 
fall the golden dawning of the grander day, — and 
that, awakening with His likeness, you shall be satis- 
fied. 

This the 19th day of April, 1918. 

Big Sis. 
Witnesses — God and His angels. 



60 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Gamp Beauregard, La. 

4/22/18. 

What in the dickens is the matter with you, Sis? — 
for that mixture, the Arthur Percival Will, the song 
"When I Leave the World Behind," together with 
your poetic prose, is too much! 

Big Sis, why not leave me the days when i used to 
play hookey, the old lake where I used to swim and 
fish, and the picturesque spot where I learned my first 
stroke? Leave me the joy of watching the dragon 
flies that skim the waters and the lilies that grow on 
the bosom of the lake. 

Memories! — do they ever play the mischief with 
your constitution? 

But, Big Sis, you needn't be making your will to 
me for I'm not going to let you die first, because I 
need your letters too badly. They help to keep my 
spirits up. Yes, you are a wonderful sis, and I do 
love you. In fact, I've been loving you a long, long 
time — for 

"When you were a tadpole and I was a fish 

In the paleozoic time 

And side by side through the ebbing tide 

We sprawled through the ooze and slime, 

Or flitted with many a caudal flip 

In the depths of the cambric fen, 

My heart was rife with the joy of life 

For I loved you even then." 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 61 

I received your ideal gift — a box of El Toro cigars 
— this P. M. I passed the box over to the Captain. 
He looked at them and said, "Just my smoke ! Where 
did you get them?" I said, "Where did you get 
That Pup?" He said that you were some girl for a 
first-class sergeant to write to and of course I agreed 
with him. 

I have just received a letter from sister in dear old 
Memphis town. She said a little bird told her I was 
planning to pull something over her. Said she was 
afraid I was going to get married. Now can you 
beat that? Get married, — and haven't even got a 
sweetheart! In fact, you are the only one who is 
generous enough to write to me ! Poor old Crox and 
me ! 1 have to advertise Croxton in order to get you 
to send him "That Pup," and then that Croxton "pup" 
doesn't send you a letter of thanks. But maybe the 
Captain will, as he is a married man. Ha ! ha ! Sis. 

Our company was called on today for three men 
for oversea. I was the first one there, but the Colonel 
said, "Nit, I'm going to keep you here till I go myself." 
Now wasn't that encouraging for a sergeant who is 
longing for a chance to bayonet Fritz? I have to 
stay here and whip rookies into shape, and then they 
go away and leave me in this land of sugar cane, coon 
songs, sorghum molasses and disfranchised French 
nobility. I'd throw away my stripes and hit for sec- 
ond-class private if I thought that would give me a 
chance to sail. 



62 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Well, I must close. Be a sweet girl and continue to 
hand me little pieces of your heart. 

With lots of love, I am yours (and I can prove it). 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



63 



Boo-hoo-hoo! — and who could blame me when 
you gave my will and testament down the country 
so hard and made all manner of fun of it! And 
then you laughed at me because boob Croxton re- 
fuses to thank me for the pup. And then laughed 
again about the Captain being a married man ! Yes, 
you're a Danny Deever to treat your Big Sis that way. 
Never mind, I ain't goin' to love you no more; and 
I ain't never goin' to smile no more. 
I'm goin' to the back yard and cry 
like this till my "hollow muscular 
organ placed between the lungs and 
inclosed in the pericardium" breaks 
into 10,000 pieces! Then you'll be 
sorry. 

But ere the fatal end arrives, I'm 
sending you a box of delicacies pre- 
pared by my own hand. Cooking is 
my forte, as the contents of the box 
will testify. Hope you'll enjoy it, and also hope that 
after I've evoluted you'll sometimes think of the one 
who used to be your 

Big Sis. 
April 25th. 




64 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



April 29th. 
Dear Big Sis: 

Your grief-stricken letter of the 25th just received. 
I am indeed sorry to think that I, a soldier and a 
gentleman (?), have been so stern and inhuman as to 
play the dickens with my own Big Sis's heart! Yes, 
just call me anything you wish and I'll gladly be it — 
and if there is anything you can't think of I'll be it too. 
Otherwise, Big Sis, I am at a loss as to what to do or 
to offer to do. However I'm sure there is some pro- 
cess for drying your tears if I could only fall heir to 
the secret. 

It is possible that, having a Big Brother's rights, the 
most plausible thing to do is to kiss all those emblems 
of grief away. Then as my masculine nature of the 
Gave Man presents itself, I say, "Let her cry it out!" 
But the brutal instinct advises me to turn wife-beater 
and force you to can the grief and turn off the tear- 
stop. Then my love for my Big Sis piously advises 
me to apologize for my bone-headed stunt; and I 
think that the most sensible thing for me to do, — 
therefore I beg you to forgive me, honey, for I am a 
low-down, no account, heartless, uncouth ne'er-do- 
well, and if you say so I shall prefer charges against 
myself under the 96th article of war and give myself 
a court martial. 

Now, sister dear, won't you quit crying and recon- 
sider your decision to evolute on such short notice? 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 65 

Tell mamma to wipe your little red nose, warm your 
tiny pink toes, give you a cup of hot chocolate, put 
you to bed and kiss your tears away. 

I want to thank my Lady Bountiful for the nice 
lunch she sent me. And to think that it was prepared 
by her own hands! But honey, when did you pre- 
pare it? — for surely you were not in the ark with 
Noah and the rest of that bunch ! You clear forgot to 
inclose a saw or a meat axe, therefore I have been 
unable to slice your meat. The batter-cakes were 
delicious even if they were pretty badly scorched. 
After soaking the biscuits overnight I was able to 
make an impression on them. But that lonesome 
eggl — where did you find it? — first one I've seen in 
years ! 

The Captain was asking about you today. He said, 
"That girl is nearer a match for you than anything 
I know of!" I told him I could handle seventy-five 
men drilling or on the firing line, but Big Sis kept 
me at "Attention" or "Parade rest" all the time. 

Well, I must "In place— Halt." 

Lovingly yours. 

Big Bro. Bob. 
P. S. How about a reconciliation? 



66 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



May 3rd. 

Yes sir-ree, Fil let you play in my back yard again 
even if you did poke fun at me and make me part 
with gallons of tears ! Yes, I had made up my mind 
to die therefore I mailed you the farewell lunch — and 
then on the very same mail came your souvenir (the 
beautiful sofa-pillow cover with the eagle on it) and 
the dearest little note telling me that you like Big Sis 
pretty welL And now comes your apology of the 
29th; so, taking everything into consideration, I have 
decided that instead of evoluting, I'll sit down and 
tell my Big Brother that he's the very dearest boy in 
the whole world and that I love him more tenderly 
than I do an over-dose of nitric acid. 

Now really, kid, I do love you — ^just as I'd love a 
dear little brother. Of course we both understand 
that that's the only way we must ever love one an- 
other—as brother and sis. 

There are many reasons why I love my Big Brother. 
Some one has said, 

"Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow, 
He who would search for pearls must dive 
below." 

So, in the first place, Big Sis loves you because she 
realizes that beneath the surface there are oceans of 
pearls in your character. In the second place, I love 
that wonderfully brilliant and original mind of yours. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 67 



In the third place, I love you because — because — well, 
perhaps it's because / don't know youl 

But it seems real funny to think that we have never 
met; for you don't seem like a stranger at all. In 
fact, I feel that I've know^n you always. And p'raps 
we did meet 'way back yonder when we were tad- 
poles and worms ! Evolution ! — an interesting study ! 

By the way, have you read "Evolution Proving Im- 
mortality," by John 0. Yeiser? It deals with evolu- 
tion in a different, and to my mind a much more sat- 
isfactory manner than the Darwin theory. Darwdn, 
I believe, claims that matter was the beginning of 
things, while this book teaches that mind existed first. 
It's very interesting. 

But rats, I might read worlds of books explaining 
the hows, whys and wherefores of God's intricate 
plans and purposes, and when I had finished the lot 
I'd doubtless still be ready to say with Tennyson — 

"Behold we know not anything; 
I can but hope that good may fall 
At last, far off, at last to all 
And every winter change to spring." 

And yet to me it's the most interesting thing in the 
world to theorize on the life to come. I wish you and 
I could tackle the subject face to face, for on paper 
is an unsatisfactory way of exchanging ideas along 
these lines. I've always had a great curiosity to 
know how God is going to manage things in the great 
and final wind-up of human affairs. 



68 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

And doubtless you have a curiosity to know when 
I'm going to wind up this letter — so here goes. 

Bye bye. 

Big Sis. 



P. S. Say, honey, I'm so glad you enjoyed the 
lunch. Where did I get that egg? Went Easter-egg 
huntin' and found it in a rabbit'^ nest — kep' it in cold 
storage till I biled it fer you. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 69 



May 6th. 

My dear carefully compounded of all the best varie- 
ties of the sweetest brands of sweetness, and 
christened Big Sis : 

Jove came to me last night like the angel in Abou 
Ben Adhem and informed me that I would receive 
a letter from you today. I'm glad to say that Jove 
was right, and am also glad that you have decided 
to give your prodigal brother one more chance. In 
the future I'm going to be a nice, good, soldierly 
brother and try not to cause sis to cry any more. 

Yes, my dear, I thoroughly understand your love 
for me; for of course we would be foolish to sit up 
and rave about our love from a matrimonial stand- 
point. For you. Big Sis, my mind runs in a perfect 
Big Brother channel — the brand of love that we have 
been growdng into all the time. Yes, I have two 
mighty good sisters — ^you, the sister whom I have 
never met, and my sister in Memphis; and I can't tell 
which one I would decide to quit writing to if one had 
to be dropped. Thank heaven I have both of you! 
But my Memphis sister has more confidence in her 
brother Bob than our Chaplain has in his cross. I 
know this, — that wherever I am I have her blessing. 
That is the reason the Discredit sheet in my Service 
Record is blank. 

Well, sis, I have begun to get serious so I guess it's 
time to bring this to a close. 



70 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Did you ever want to go out alone, down by the 
cool waters of some rippling stream, stretch full 

length upon the violets and forget there is a'nother 
person in the world — just wonder what Mr. Jay is 
sassing his wife about, and what Mrs. Redbird is call- 
ing to her mate for? That's the way I feel; I want to 
go back to Nature for a few hours — just forget and 
think, — jist waller in the grass for two long hours 
(then scratch chiggers for two months). 

Dearie, please don't try to kid me. Don't I know 
that rabbits don't lay eggs? You can't fool an old 
soldier like me; for I know eggs grow on egg-plants. 

Write again soon to 

Your wise & otherwise 

Big Brother. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 71 

St. Joseph's Hospital. 
Memphis, Tennessee. 

May 12, 1918. 
Dear Bob: 

Here I am in your own dear Memphis. Am to un- 
dergo a very serious operation tomorrow at 10 A. M. 
The trouble is due to complications resulting from 
hypertrophy of the lachrymal glands, — caused by 
that excessive cryin'. It has acted directly on my 
nervous system and produced a condition known as 
glosso labio laryngeal paralysis due to involvement 
of the motor nuclei of the medulla oblongata. There 
is degeneration of the corpus callosum, eminentia 
collateralis, corpora albicantia and velum inter- 
positum. Other cerebral changes consist of sclerosis 
in the optic thalamus, corpus striatum, septum 
lucidum and also in the levator labii superioris 
alaequenasi muscle, and corticle changes consisting 
of a diffused meningo encephalitis. 

Do you s'pose I'll survive? I hope so — for your 
sake — but for fear I don't, you'd better hurry up 
and write to me 'fore I shuffle off this mortal flesh 
and blood — but mostly bones! 

If I happen to pass away tell the married Captain 
bye-bye for me; also tell hiin I say to keep an eye on 
you and make you walk in the straight and narrow 
path that leads to where I be. 

Good bye — luck to you. 

Big Sis. 



72 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



St. Joseph's Hospital. 
Tomorrow at 10 A. M. 

Operation postponed. Priest says my spiritual 
condition too anemic at present, so Fm having him 
pray my sins away before I lay me down to sleep on 
the operating table. 

Now of course I might safely go on to purgatory 
and let him pray me out, 'cept he says that "a bird in 
the hand's worth two in the bush." 

I suppose you're a Catholic? If not, then you and I 
are going to have some more rag-chewin'. 

Don't know how long I'll be here, but if it takes the 
priest several days to get my sins straightened out 
I'll try to get up town in the meantime and send you 
a box o' Memphis candy. 

Bye bye. 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 73 



Camp Beauregard, La. 
5-15-1918. 

Dear Debilitated Damsel: 

Your letter of the 12th comes drifting into camp 
like a rookie returning from a ten day furlough. 

Sis, I certainly am sorry to hear of your awful con- 
dition. Doubtless you have been drinking HSO^ 
when you should have been drinking H^O. But after 
thoroughly diagnosing and studying your case I have 
come to the conclusion that it's a dreadful zeaze 
you've got. I think it equivalent to loco in coco. 
Gracious, Sis, you have no idea how uneasy I am 
about you; for you may wind up with something ter- 
rible, — like in-growing toe nails! 

Yes, honey, if you should cash in I'll sure tell the 
Captain good bye for you. And I'll try to keep in 
any path that will lead me to where you are. 

As soon as you have recovered from the operation 
you must by all means stroll out to see sister. But 
for goodness' sake don't go while that blooming 
nephew of mine is there for that boy worships Jesse 
James and acts like Tom Sawyer. He goes to school 
and I'll bet sister will be sorry when school closes. 
Sister is fifteen years older than I. And by the way, 
before you leave the "Honorable mention" list and 



74 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

begin looking over the "Among others present" I 
will call your attention to my niece out there — a good 
looking little bundle of hatefulness. 

But sis, I don't like t he idea of your hanging 
around the hospital and claiming to be sick. Now 
if I thought you were really ill I would throw a few 
fits — but it's some more of Big Sis's faking, that's all. 
However please let me hear from you by return mail. 

Lovingly, 

Big Brother. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 75 

May 16th. 
Dear wicked Sis: 

It's too bad that your spiritual condition is at such 
a low ebb, however I hope the priest won't be in too 
big a hurry to get it toned up, for I'm anxious for 
that box of candy you spoke of sending. 

You say you are going to start another row with 
Big Bro. if he isn't a Catholic. Now is it possible 
that I have really adopted a nice Big Sis who is a 
Catholic? Thank goodness we will not have a very 
big fuss about that! 

Am inclosing some kodak pictures just to show you 
what I'm teaching the boys to fight with. Don't look 
at me, but look at my good friend, Lewis Machine 
Gun. It is my pal. The other rifle shown in the pic- 
ture is a French gun. The French swear by it; but 
our own arms are far superior to any Frenchman's 
product. We never found the place where we were 
not on top. Like the U. S. soldier when he got drunk 
and went to sleep among the old Egyptian mummies 
in the English Museum. He awoke next morning and 
seeing all the mummies, said, "Resurrection morning, 
and I'm the first sun-of-a-gun up — the United States 
is ahead yet!" 

Sis, I won't worry you with a long letter this time, 
for of course in your extremely nervous and weak- 
ened condition you can't feel equal to the ordeal of 
reading a lengthy epistle, even though it be from your 

Big Brother. 



76 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Peabody Hotel, Memphis, Tenn. 
May 23, 1918. 
Dear Bob: 

Guess I'll bid your Memphis town goodbye pretty 
soon. And as I can't fool an old soldier like yviu I 
suppose I'll have to confess that I am not, and have 
not been, a patient here, — for thank the Lord I have 
good health even if I don't weigh but 105 lbs. 

My patient went home yesterday, and I'm hangin' 
out at the Peabody for a day or two. 

Referring to your letter of the 15th, I laughed when 
you said you had diagnosed my case, studied it thor- 
C'Ughly and decided that I had been drlnkini| HSO^ 
instead of HgO. Now honey, didn't you get the cart 
before the horse when you diagnosed, and then 
studied? That's rather out of the ordinary. 

However I sure ain't goin' to drink any HSO^— 
'cause as well as I remember, there's no such formula 
in all the universe. My chemistry says that the 
valence of H is one, while the valence of the SO^ 
group is two; therefore it takes two atoms of H to 
combine with the SO^. So your formula for sul- 
phuric acid should be H2SO4 — See? 

But if I wanted H2SO4 in my system I'd probably 
take it this way: 

Na2S04+2HGl=H2SO,+ (Na CI) 2- 

Then the H2SO4 wouldn't form till the first member of 
the equation had passed the cardiac end of the stom- 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 77 

ach. You certainly offered a grave prognosis of my 
case but failed to suggest any treatment. However 
we won't scrap about that, as my health is almost per- 
fect and I don't need any treatment. 

But say, who said anything about my being a 
Catholic? No, I'm not a Catholic though I don't 
doubt there being hundreds of members of the Cath- 
olic Church whose chances for heaven are lots bet- 
ter than mine. I s'pose it ain't what church a per- 
son belongs to, but it's probably the heart and the 
life that count with God. 

Now my heart tries awfully hard to keep on the 
sober side, and yet my life is always buttin' in and 
playin' the deuce with that heart! Poor old heart, 
it's so full o' scars and scratches I don't see how it 
keeps on beatin'! I imagine God will be glad when 
the time comes for it to stop so He won't have to be 
bothered with me any more, 'cause I'm always hav- 
ing to get forgiveness for something mean I've done 
or said or thought. I don't know whether He's ever 
going to let me get a peep into heaven or not, but I 
often ask Him to let me go to hell — whatever it may 
be — if my going there could be the means of saving 
those who have been nearest and dearest to me on 
earth. And when I happen to lay up a little treasure 
now and then (I'm speaking of heavenly treasures) 
I ask Him to give this one to so-and-so, and that one 
to so-and-so; and do you know it's lots of fun to lay 
up treasures with that thought in mind ! 



78 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

But here I've got strung off on God and heaven and 
treasures and hell and am about to forget to tell you 
that I'd be delighted to meet your sister, also your 
Tom Sawyer nephew and that hateful little niece. 
But I wonder if you do think I'm going to wander 
out and introduce myself to your sister ! Not much ! — 
for she might want to know who I am, what I'm 
doing, where I'm going, etc., and I might not want 
to tell her. 

Now I must stop and go to town. If I run across 
some candy I'll try to steal it for you. 

Love from 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 79 



May 23rd. 
Dear Big Sis: 

I'm so disappointed, for I have not received a let- 
ter from you since Napoleon was acting first class 
private. Was your operation fatal? — if so, you 
should have wired me as soon after death as possible. 
If I don't hear from you soon I will be down on the 
River Styx trying to get Charon to ferry me over on 
a credit. But tradition tells me that I will get a let- 
ter soon, and I hope tradition is not trying to run in 
opposition to Ananias but is rather inclined to follow 
in George Washington's footsteps. 

Now don't become disgusted just because I mailed 
you two or three kodak prints, — for honey, you can 
never tell what I may do when I get to France. If 
I get blown into the ground by a shrapnel, then 
blown out again by a trench mortar, and some big- 
footed corporal step in my face with his field shoes, 
I may then pull off a Nathan Hale stunt and come 
entirely up to your expectations. But previous to 
my participating in such a patriotic pleasantry I want 
to plead permission to pester you with a pathetic pe- 
tition. Will you grant it? 

Well, I must rush into the bean line and drape my- 
self over the mess trough. Please write soon to 

Big Brother. 



80 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



May 25th. 
Dear Sis: 

I received your letter of the 23rd, also some candy 
from you this P. M. You dear, everything-worth- 
loving combination of a Big Sis, I can never tell you 
how much I appreciate the kindnesses you have 
shown me. If I were to make the attempt I would 
surely hit on the M^rong formula, as I did in my sul- 
phuric acid. Yes, it's too bad that I left the "2" out 
of my H2SO4 — anyhow I gave you some mighty good 
water! 

Now, sis, you will readily understand why 1 am 
laboring under a spell of such blamed ignorance 
when I tell you that I never went to school but two 
days in all my life. Nobody was there so I went 
home — I went on Saturday and Sunday. But to 
square up on the subject, I can look cleur through a 
silk waist or a blue shirt and read a heart L-bout as 
quick as a general court martial can shoot a man 
under the 86th article of war. 

And so you're not a Catholic ! Well, neither am I. 
If you want to know my religion I will tell you. I am 
a believer in the Golden Rule. 

Honey, I'm hoping to get a furlough in July if we 
are not "Over There" by then, and if I succeed I'm 
certainly going to call 'round and see if the "Wel- 
come" on vour door-mat includes me. Now I'm not 
coming on a matrimonial tour, for I don't care to 
leave any war brides behind. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 81 

Our friend Crox is moving. Sis, there's not an- 
other Crox in this world. He has about as mucli con- 
fidence in women as I have in the Egyptian belief of 
soul transmigration. But put him man to man, he is 
a man. The word fear is not in his vocabulary. 

It is some later than it was, so I will have to can 
the chatter. 

Yours till I find a seat in a street car on Sat. night. 

Big Bro. Bob. 



82 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Tenn. 



May 31, 1918. 
Dear Bob : 

It has been an age since I've had an opportunity to 
sit down, relax myself completely and write a letter. 
During the last six or eight weeks all my letters have 
been written while I was on a strain one way or an- 
other and most of them were written by piecemeals. 
But tonight I'm feeling like a bird out of a cage — 
nothing to do except write; and by the way, Fm in a 
letter- writing humor and have chosen you as the vic- 
tim upon whom to release my prisoned thoughts. So 
put on the whole armor of patience and prepare to 
endure long-suffering, for there's no telling when I'm 
going to stop. 

Gee, ain't it a luxury to have a dear pal that I can 
dump my manifold moods upon ! I could have asked 
no kinder gift from heaven than just such a pal, — 
and then to think that it came without the asking! 
That was pretty good of God, wasn't it? 

So you're thinking of wandering back to Tennessee 

some time in July; also of coming to T , but 

not on a matrimonial tour ! No, honey, I should say 
you're not coming on a matrimonial tour, and even 
if you were you'd hastily change your mind as soon 
as you observed that I was a fish while you were a 
tadpole ! Yes, kid, I'm much nearer your sister's age 
than I am j^our own — and that's no joke! In fact, 
that's the very reason I've always felt so free to treat 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 83 

you as I have; for if you had been a man who was 
my senior I should have left unsaid and undone 
many things that I have sent your way. Yes, I re- 
gard you as a dear little kid brother whom I can 
treat just as good or just as mean as the spirit moves 
me. 

But I haven't fully decided whether I'm going to 
let you ring my door bell or not, — 'cause I had a 
dream the other night. I dreamed that you came to 

T , and it didn't take us thirty seconds to become 

thoroughly anti-crazy about each other. I stamped 
my foot at you and you stamped your foot at ine and 
said you'd just wait at the station for a train back to 
Memphis. I then bade you "so-long" and left you 
all by your lonesome. Now do you know that 
my dreams always come true, 'specially if I think 
about 'em the next morning before breakfast. 
I tried my best not to think of this one till I could 
eat my toast and chocolate — but do you know that as 
soon as I opened my eyes that dream was staring me 
right in the face ! Therefore I haven't half-way made 
up my mind that I'm ever going to risk letting you 

come to T and having "A FOOT-STAMPING 

SCENE AT THE DEPOT" headline in the next issue 
of the "T Herald-Democrat." 

Yes, come on with your petition even if you are 
a mutton-head. No, honey, you didn't have to tell an 
old lady like me that you'd never been to school; for 
I hadn't half finished reading the first letter you 
wrote me until I said to myself sez I, — "Pity that pore 



84 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

boy couldn't have had a year or two in school!" But, 
dearie, there's some consolation in the thought that 
many of our greatest men and women got their edu- 
cation after they had passed their teens. Take my- 
self, for instance ! — why, chile, I never saw inside of 
a schoolroom till I was ten years past your present 
age. So 

When all this war is over, dear Bob. 
When all the strife is done, 
Just come along back and start to school — 
You ignorant sun-of-a-gun! 

Crox and his pup had to vamoose! Glad of it! — 
and you needn't tell me where the moss-back has 
gone either, 'cause I don't care to have any of my 
thoughts follow him. Anybody that hasn't got heart 
enough to say "Thank you" for a nice pup doesn't 
deserve more than an icy stare from the world in 
which thej^ live. 

Now I know you're crazy about Crox and in spite 
of my knockin' I can hear you yell, "Hurrah for 
Crox!" And I yell, "Hurrah for Bob for standing up 
for his pal, Crox!" You're like Pat was when the 
priest was reproving him for his sins. Priest says, 
"Pat, you're living an ungodly life and it's sure going 
to land you in hell." Says Pat, "Then hurrah for 
hell! — darn a man that won't stand up for his own 
country!" 

Dearie, I started this brief communication with 
the full determination to write you a long letter, but 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 85 

alas! — I'm getting sleepy and will have to bid you 
goodnight before I'm half through. I'll meet you in 
dreamland — sweet dreamy dreamland in the Valley 
of the Moon. Lovingly, 

Big Sis. 



86 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Camp Beauregard, La. 

June 3rd, 1918. 



Dear Dee: 



I have just received your tartarus-infected letter 
and as I have nothing to do except polish my rifle, 
play ball and talk sarcastic I'll spend a part of the 
evening writing to you. 

Now you have half sassed me for declaring that I 
loved you, but up to the present stage of the game 
you haven't bluffed me in the least. I love your 
heart, and if I love your heart then I must love you, 
whatever your age may be. But even if you are four 
score years old, your head is old enough to have 
worn out three of your bodies. So in spite of the 
fact that you were a young girl when Shakespeare 
was writing his "Mid-summer's Nightmare," lets you 
and I shake hands in mutual friendship and call our- 
selves lucky to have run across each other. I had 
rather have one friend like you than ninety sweet- 
hearts 

But Sis, don't get it into your head that I have no 
sweetheart; for I have — one that I love with all my 
heart. She is the first thing you see on sailing into 
New York harbor. Her name is The Goddess of Lib- 
erty. The most beautiful thing in the world is the 
seven horizontal bars on a white field with forty-eight 
white stars in a field of blue. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 87 

Neither have you bluffed me out of my intention 

of coming to T , even if I must come without an 

invitation; for as to our falling out, I could get along 
with Jesse James or play chess with Captain Kidd. 

But I did think Big Sis had more charity for un- 
fortunate simps than to ridicule their sap-headed- 
ness. Anyhow my papa he has a good job working 
in a livery stable; however I don't care to let all the 
young girls know about it for fear they would be try- 
ing to marry me for my family income. 

The new draft will be in soon, then away back to 
rookie drill and start all over again. So while I am 
trying to teach our new fighting men this warm 
weather please remember me in your prayers for I 
may slip often. "I slip, I slide, I glance, I glide" equal 
to Tennyson's brook. 

I'm yours (when I get out of the army), 

Bob. 



88 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

June 8th. 

Dear Bobbie: 

Am tickled to death that you have decided not to 
go clear back on this Big Sis just 'cause she hap- 
pened to get a running start on you in the process of 
evolution. But you'd better look out, for you say you 
can read hearts and then declare that you love mine I 
Now that proves that you also need some schoolin' 
in hearts! — for while the stethoscope says that mine 
is in the right place as far as location is concerned, 
the horoscope proves that it can't be trusted in any 
other particular. You see I'm a child of April (th? 
very middle o' the month) and the stars don't have 
very complimentary things to say about those chil- 
dren. 

Funny old world' ain't it? But what an interest- 
ing world! And nothing in it so interesting as the 
study of human nature — the study of our own selves, 
for instance. Now did you ever know a greater mys- 
tery or a greater miracle than your own self? As 
some one has ably expressed it, — "What a paradox 
is man ! What a novelty, what a chaos, what a bundle 
of contradictions, what a prodigy! A judge of all 
things, feeble worm of the dust, depositary of truth, 
follower of uncertainty and error, the glory and 
shame of the universe." In other words, a combina- 
tion of god and devil ! Now ain't you glad you're not 
the One who has the job of judging such a Jekyll- 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 89 

Hyde old world? I just wonder what God is going to 
do about it. 

But however interesting this world may be I be- 
lieve the next one will be tenfold more so, therefore I 
sometimes feel that I can hardly wait for the future 
life, — the time when we shall begin to understand 
and appreciate God's wonderful plans and purposes. 
I'm glad we can't understand them here; for it's so 
much fun to live by faith, — and then, too, it's so much 
fun to figure on what God is going to do about this, 
that, etc. Gee, I'm so glad I'm livin'! — And gee, I'll 
be so glad when I'm dead! 

Speaking of paradoxes, prodigies, etc., what 
could be a more inexpressibly novel state of affairs 
than the thought of your claiming an Iron Lady for a 
sweetheart, instead of a real live twenty-one year old 
girl! But never mind, you'll some day be humming 
another tune! Now if you hadn't pulled off that Rip 
Van Winkle stunt and allowed me to get twenty 
years ahead of you I might fill the bill my own sweet 
self! See what you lost by being so sleepy headed! 

I must now prepare to bring this to a close. Write 
again when the spirit moves you, for I enjoy your let- 
ters very much. I don't believe I've ever derived as 
much genuine fun and pleasure from any letters as 
I have from your own. As I've told you before, I'm 
crazy about your originality of thought and expres- 
sion. And, aside from that, I'm delighted to have 
found the pearls beneath the surface, — pearls far 



90 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

more abundant than one usually finds in a person 
of your age. Yes, you're a young man in years but 
you're an old one in thought and experience. 

If you ever take a notion to come to T , rest as- 
sured that you'll be more than welcome. 

Lovingly, 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 91 



June 14t!i. 

"Such is the state of man — Today he puts forth the 
tender leaves of hope; tomorrow blossoms and bears 
his blushing honors thick upon him. The third day 
comes a frost, a killing frost, and then he falls." 



Such is the story of friendship — Today we con- 
gratulate ourselves upon finding a friend after our 
own heart; one who understands and is understood 
by us; one whose comradeship we feel we can count 
upon for eternity. Tomorrow— "UP GOES THE 
BUCKET!!" 

Big Sis. 



92 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

June 18th. 

My dear Big Sis: 

I have just arrived from the artillery range where 
we spent two weeks in bivouac. Now if you care to 
have that w^ord defined it is something like this, — • 
one blanket between me and Mother Earth, a thirty- 
pound boulder in the small of my back, with a hole 
in the ground for a pillow; one blanket and a million 
little stars to cover with; a bunkie that has won the 
cup at thirteen snoring contests. That, my dear, is 
bivouac. I repeated so many times the little verse, 
"Oh Death, where is thy sting?" until I got it mixed 
up and was saying, "Oh, Bed, where is thy spring?" 
When Sherman pulled off that proverb, "Armed 
strife is Hades" he was sleeping in bivouac. 

On my return to camp I was greeted with your let- 
ter of the 8th, also your page which contained an ex- 
pression from a master mind, — an expression that 
London or Kipling would call a phrase. Deep? — yes, 
so deep that it is almost out of the question to try to 
fathom it. In military terms we would call it a 
thirteen-inch coast defense piece. Or if it should be 
named by rank we would say Lieutenant General. 
But if named according to importance it would be 
an Acting Corporal. 

But let's analyze the phrase— "UP GOES THE 
BUCKET!" Now UP designates the direction in 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 93 

which the bucket is making its flight while laughing 
at gravitation. 

GOES gives one the exact knowledge of what the 
bucket has in mind. 

THE is a little Anglo-Saxon adjective used to an- 
nounce to the ignorant public which bucket we al- 
lude to. 

BUCKET, the chief character of the phrase, gives 
us information as to what is making the unexpected 
ascension. 

Now when we line up the four words, with UP on 
the left flank and BUCKET holding its position on 
the right flank, then place GOES in the left center 
and THE takes position as support to the flanking 
patrol, BUCKET, it forms a beautiful sentence well 
spoken. 

I greatly enjoyed your nice long letter. Now in re- 
ply to your comment on my Iron Lady sweetheart I 
will say that perhaps you're right about my some day 
finding a real live sweetheart — but — well, sis, I once 
placed my love and confidence in a pretty girl who 
had a wealth of beautiful hair, two dimples, an in- 
nocent smile, and eyes that made one dream of beau- 
tiful violets blooming in the forest. But sis, I now 
find myself repeating Kipling's "Vampire," for 

"Now I know she never could know 
And did not understand." 



94 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Of course I was younger then but I've learned bet- 
ter now, and I can look into a pair of blue eyes with- 
out growing foolish. And when it comes to love of 
women, I have you and sister. No, I don't feel that 
my twenty years' sleep was in vain. But for that 
nap we might never have run across each other; and 
as it is I have found a character that I didn't dream 
ever existed — a friend that I wouldn't exchange for a 
ham sandwich. 

I was studying the enticing subject Furlough, but 
there is nothing doing for awhile now — except to bid 
you goodnight and pay my respects to the Dream 
Gods. 

Yours irrespectively, 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 95 

June 27, 1918. 

Dear Bob: 

Your letter received 0. K. Was beginning to won- 
der whether you'd gone off to France without saying 
scat; but find that you were having the time of your 
life in bivouac. — Gone back to Nature; lying down 
to sleep on the lap of Mother Earth with 

"A million eyes of the night-time 
Sleeplessly watching you slumber." 
(And a host of hungry mosquitoes 
Exceeding the stars in number?) 

But what a foolish interrogation, for of course you 
had screens while in bivouac. 

Speaking of mosquitoes reminds me of a little 
"spasm" (may I use your word?) I ran across the 
other day: 

"God made the star-hung skies for us 
The singing trees and hills and lakes; 
Of course He made mosquitoes too — 
But everybody makes mistakes!" 

Now is that also too deep for your comprehension? 
It's too utterly bad that your untrained little mind 
is unable to cope with the thoughts which I present 
for your consideration. Of course I realize that they 
are awfully deep — in fact, a man once undertook to 
get to the bottom of one of my thoughts. If you want 



96 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

to know what a time he had, just call on him in pur- 
gatory. 

I must congratulate you upon your analysis of that 
wonderfully elevating phrase, "Up goes the bucket." 
But speaking of buckets, do you know Fve seen more 
buckets go up in the air than you can shake a stick at, 
and, try ever so hard, I can't bring 'em down any 
more! They're like the "Lost, yesterday, somewhere 
between sunrise and sunset two golden hours each set 
with sixty diamond minutes. No reward offered for 
they are gone forever." Now ain't that the dickens? 

Let me give you an illustration of the cause of 
one of the buckets taking its upward flight. He was 
a cracker-jack friend of mine who went west and met 
a girl that he became crazy about, but her mother ob- 
jected to his visiting the girl without some letters of 
recommendation. So he wrote and asked me, among 
others, to write to the mother, and requested that I 
send him a copy of what I wrote. Well, I wrote the 
mother the very nicest letter that I could fix up about 
him. But ye gods ! — you should have seen the copy I 
sent him. It was the most ridiculous thing you ever 
read. So up went the bucket, and he doesn't know to 
this good day but that I sent him a correct copy of 
what I wrote. 

By the way, how are your El Toros holding out? 
Wire me at once when the last one goes so I can send 
you a note of condolence. 

I was much interested in the story of your little 
vampire sweetheart. Some one has said that the 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 97 

greatest sorrows are (a) "To love what is great and 
good, to seek it and fail." (b) "To love what we 
think is greatest and best, to attain it and find it 
worthless." Yes, I know your disappointment was 
great indeed but you have risen above it and have 
come out a stronger, a better, and a wiser man. I 
hope you'll some day find a sweetheart who will be 
worthy of your love. 

Now I must stop and write a birthday letter to a 
very dear friend — an old man in New York who has 
just passed the 75th milestone on the journey of life. 
Don't you imagine he's awfully tired? Gee, I hope 
God will excuse me from walking that far, 'cause He 
knows how lazy I am and how I hate long journeys. 
And for that very reason He may be looking down 
at me right now and saying to Himself, "You little 
imp, I'm going to make you walk ninety miles!" 

Bye bye. Love from 

Big Sis. 



98 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Camp Beauregard, La. 

July 1st, 1918. 



Dear Sis: 



I have here a half portion of tablet, a product of 
the American Pencil Company and an inspiration 
like unto a Ford on a zero morning, therefore I come 
to pour my trials and tribulations into your sympa- 
thetic ears. 

My El Toros have gone down in history. The imps 
have thrown dirt on my rifle. I've lost one of my col- 
lar ornaments and have torn my pants. My canteen 
is leaking and my matches are wet. Outside of these 
and a few other trifles I am a happy-go-lucky sol- 
dier, fearing God and the first sergeant. 

Right here upon the military crest of this letter I 
wish to say that you played one good joke on your 
friend when you mailed him your copy. But the 
hardest welt you ever, hit me was when you sent me 
your picture at Camp Stanley, Texas. When mail 
call blew I cheesed it for my mail. I opens up said 
picture in one hurried manner. Every sun-of-a-gun 
in my platoon was there, waiting to feast their eyes 
upon the nice photo that 1 had received. Well, you 
can imagine how I felt trying to explain things. I 
have often laughed over the thing. Now I'm going 
to tell you about one of my jokes. 

My pal, Ray, and I were rooming together at the 
home of a good old M. D. who had a daughter. One 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 99 



night while Ray and the girl were at the show I stole 
the skeleton from Mr. M. D.'s office. I carried this 
assortment of bones to our room, placed it in bed and 
covered it up. Then I hid in the adjoining room. 
Now Ray had an unbecoming habit of calling me 
from dreamland when he came in. So that night at 
about 12 o'clock he appeared upon the scene- 
of-action and, as usual, called out, "Rob, oh Rob !" As 
no response was forthcoming he leaned over the bed 
and gave Rob (?) a good shaking. Mr. Skeleton said, 
"Cackle, cackle, cackle!" Ray, not understanding 
such protest, pulled the cover off. And Sis, he didn't 
put that cover back either! The noise brought the 
doctor up in a hurry. 

Now in order that my days might be long upon the 
land, I spent the rest of the night at the hotel and 
went back next morning with an air of ignorance. 
Rut the looks I received were like the snow scene in 
the "Two Orphans." The girl was just hating me on 
general principles. Mr. M. D. said his skeleton was 
not for fools to play with. Ray 'lowed that was 
going too far with a joke. And little brown-eyed 
Robbie went out to build up a new friend or two, — 
or, in other words, I went away to graze in new pas- 
tures. 

The bugle will blow pay-call in the morning, after 
which the 153rd Inf. will reign in peace and harmony 
for awhile. Crap games will be the supreme pastime 
for a few days. Then the boys will be borrowing 
from the lucky guy. 



100 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

But Sis, please don't mark your big brother down 
as a crap-shooter, for that is one fault that I have 
overlooked in taking up every fault that I could find. 
So get the ledger of your friends and turn to the page 
marked "Merits and Credits of Big Bro." Fill up 
the entire page with that one mark, for you may 
never find another chance to give me the benefit of 
a redeeming feature. 

But I guess I'd better close as I've begun to brag 
on myself. 

With love, I am your 

is Bro. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 101 



July 6th. 

"A friend in need is a friend indeed," therefore I'm 
saluting you with a box of select cigars, together with 
a brand-new pair of pants, a solid gold collar orna- 
ment and a package of perfectly dry matches. If 
you'll send me your canteen I'll have the leak re- 
paired; also your rifle and I'll wash the dirt off'n 
it. Anything else I can do for you? 

Big Sis. 



102 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



July 10th. 

Dear Lady Liberal: 

I have just received your wonderful gifts. The 
first thing to mention is the box of cigars — a harem 
of dusky beauties, fifty in a row. I now have one of 
them carefully placed in a satisfied smile. 

"And a snow-white cloud unfolding 
Fills the tent with haze and vapor, 
Fills the air with dreamy softness 
Fills my heart with dreamy pleasure," as its 
curling fragrance ascends to the top of the tent and 
there takes up the duties of sentry against all gloom 
entering into this soldier's castle. The great god, 
Nicoteen, is supreme commander and I am master 
of my own favorite ship, Day Dreams. 

I sail the calm waters of What's the use Worrying? 
I drift into the days when I was care free, — nothing 
mattered. Down by the shallow brook I did not have 
the thought of why things were there nor from 
whence they came. Just like the rule of two and 
two equal four. Why does it do it? Just because 
it does; that settles the question. The cool brook was 
there to babble over the round stones. The daisies 
and blue violets were there because that was the most 
beautiful place the Flower Fairies could find to plant 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 103 

their part of Nature. Why did the dragon flies skim 
the cool waters? They were to the Paradise what the 
luster is to the diamond — they were the "cutting" of 
the goddess of Beauty. 

BUT — that does not solve the size of the pants that 
came with the cigars. Now let's figure on them. They 
looked something like this : 




Were you trying to fit me up according to prin- 
ciple? If so, then don't you know that principle de- 
mands that we also cut down on the size of our 
buttons? 

The Captain was in the orderly room when I re- 
ceived your package. He insisted that he should 
smoke a good cigar. I opened them up, and when 
the pants came into view he like to have thrown a 
fit. He said, "That's a great girl — she must be as 
crazy as you are." I told him he shouldn't make such 
remarks about a lady. 

Vee Dee, you are a wonderful pal, — everything 
worth loving all mixed up in a harmonizing medley. 
Yes, God has given me everything desirable in a 



104 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

friend. When the bugle blows "Taps" and I am low- 
ered to mj^ last resting place I want Big Sis to send on 
a flower or two (my favorite flower is onions). 

As ever, 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



105 




106 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



July 15th. 
Dear Bob : 

When I sit down to write to you I always have so 
much to say that I hardly know where to begin. But 
the first thing I want to tell you is that the pant but- 
tons were to remind you how hard it is for some folks 
to get to heaven.— See Matt. XIX :24. Then the next 
thing I happen to think of is your joke with the skele- 
ton. I sure had a good laugh about it. But Vm now 
going to give you my masterpiece in meanness. Here 
it is: 

Donic and I had been sweethearts for a long time; 
so one Saturday night — just a few days before Christ- 
mas — when he was calling, we were discussing the 
Chinese people and he made this remark, "I don't 
believe a Chinaman has a soul." I said, "Why not?" 
He replied, "Because they eat rats; and anybody that 
would eat a rat couldn't have a soul." So just for fun 
I said, "Now I've always wanted to eat a piece of rat, 
for I don't see why rat wouldn't taste just as good 
as chicken or any other meat." He replied in a very 
dignified, iceberg tone, "Vee Dee Ess, the day you 
eat a piece of rat we'll quit!" I said, "Oh, rats! — I 
think I should be allowed to eat anything I please." 
Then he said, "You may eat anything except rat!" 

Well, when he left that night he made an engage- 
ment to call the next afternoon. And as good luck 
would have it, that very Sat. night the nicest rat 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 107 

found his way into the trap that Dad had set. So 
I gets that rat, and after Dad has gone to church I 
desecrates the Sabbath day (but fhe ox was in the 
ditch, you see,) by cooking said rat good and ten- 
der and making some sandwiches for said Donic. That 
afternoon Donic appears bright and early after din- 
ner. In a little while I brought in the plate of sand- 
wiches. After he had eaten one of them and started 
to take another, I said, "Rats make awfully nice sand- 
wishes, don't they?" He said, "Dee, what do you 
mean?" I explained that I meant I was so glad he 
was enjoying my rat sandwiches. He said, "Do you 
really mean that I've been eating rat?" Sez I, "I sho' 
do; and I'm now going to eat some too." So I ate one 
of the sandwiches — for really I'm not mean enough 
to give anybody else something to eat that I wouldn't 
be game enough to tackle myself. He didn't say 
much but he sure was hot; and T said, "I feel just 
this way about it, Donic, — if you don't care any more 
for me than to allow such an insignificant thing as 
a rat (or even an elephant or a hippopotamus) to 
come between us, then we'd better quit!" So he left — 
still hot. The next day I tied a blue ribbon 'round 
that rat's tail and mailed it to him for a Christmas 
present. 

Well, Donic finally married a woman who doesn't 
eat rats. But just think what a narrow escape I had, 
for if I hadn't eaten that rat I might never have run 
across you, — and I wouldn't give you for forty sweet- 
hearts that wouldn't let me eat what I please. By 



108 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

the way, you're going to love Big Sis just the same, 
ain't you, whether she eats rats or not? 

Well, old boy, how are you standing the times? It 
doesn't seem like summer here, for the days are 
neither too hot nor too cool — just right. "Days left 
over from Eden" the poets would call them, and the 
nights are cool enough for cover. 

I've just returned from your Memphis town, where 
I was on a surgical case for a few days. I don't like 
surgical cases; but this was a friend, so I could hardly 
refuse to be with her. Surgical cases as a rule are 
easier to nurse than medical ones but they are not 
nearly so interesting, therefore I graduated in oste- 
opathy and also studied medicine in order to become 
a good "two in one" nurse. Nothing so interesting as 
to get on a bad case, study symptoms, look out for 
complications, watch the effect of different treat- 
ments, etc. 

Hoping the clinical thermometer registers your en- 
tire anatomy and physiology at 98.6°, I am 

Theoretically and practically your big sis, 

Vee Dee Ess. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 109 

Camp Beauregard, La. 
July 18th. 



Dear Dee: 



I come to thank you for that box of delightful flow- 
ers. They must have been plucked from a fragrant 
garden of divine fragrance — a florescent spot presid- 
ed over by the fairy, Garlic. Doubtless their odori- 
ferousness was in evidence all along the line from 
T to Camp Beauregard. 

Vee Dee, I certainly enjoyed your rat joke. Now 
as to you and I fussing about what you eat, go to itf 
Eat rats, snakes, bugs, or even limburger cheese— if 
your gas mask is working. However I understand 
that it is very unhealthy to eat powdered glass, there- 
fore as a friend I ask you to refrain from trying to 
satisfy your craving for this delicacy. And I'm also 
going to request you not to take too much violent ex- 
ercise just after drinking nitro-glycerine. Otherwise 
eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may get 
married. 

Well, I am still in hopes of going to France soon, 
for I had rather fight some myself than to let George 
do it all. 

Morpheus is calling, so I must hie me away to 
dream-land. 

Yours till Father Time trims his whiskers, 

13ob. 



no GREEK MEETS GREEK 



7/20/'18. 

My dear Neither: 

The Colonel has just made a talk to the men and 
told them all to write to their mothers and sweet- 
hearts; but as I have Neither, I have chosen you. 

I often wish I had a nice little sw^eetheart so I could 
tell her she was the cutest girl that ever wanted 
to vote. Of course I would be lying, but that is half 
the game. Then she would say, "Oh Bob, you are the 
dearest man that ever got caught in the draft 1" She 
would be lying, but that's the other half the game. 

After awhile Dan Cupid decides that these lies are 
growing monotonous so he sends them around to the 
preacher. Mr. Preacher asks Adam if he promises to 
pay Eve's board, and buy her roses, rings and rouge 
for the next ten years; or until "divorce do us part;" 
or until Father Time commands, "As you were." 
Adam holds up his right grenade tosser and chirps, 
"Yer on. Doc." So Sergeant Preacher commands^ 
"Carry on!" 

Then I, being Adam, would have all that is desir- 
able in this world except a thirty-day furlough. I 
would hie me and Birdie away to a nice modern bar- 
racks well equipped with pianos, victrolas and Jew's 
harps. Birdie would blow "Retreat" on the Jew's 
harp while I stood at "Present Arms" according to 
"Infantry Drill Regulations." Then Jove would reign 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 111 

supreme in his celestial hall, and Birdie and I would 
be at peace with the whole army. 

Sis, they are talking of taking this whole division 
to France soon. I again have hopes of becoming a 
fighting partner of the Iron Lady in New York harbor. 

I will now bid you adieu. 

Romantically yours. 

Bob. 



112 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Tenn. 



July 24th. 



Bobbie Dear: 



Your two letters are before me and I'll hasten to 
reply before I get off on another case. I've been off 
duty for a week now, but prior to that time had been 
in a rush for a long time. 

Say Bob, I believe I'll tell you of an experience that 
I had with a patient last December. When the phy- 
sician phoned me he said he didn't think it right to 
call me on such a case without letting me know what 
I'd be up against. Said that the family — which con- 
sisted of a husband, wife and three children — lived 
in a little three-room shanty in a corn field, had abso- 
lutely no conveniences and would have to depend 
upon the neighbors to pay the nurse. The husband, 
who was the patient, had been sick with typhoid 
fever for seven weeks, was poorly nourished and had 
just begun to have hemorrhages. 

Well, I went and I sure had a time ! The man was 
a tenant on a Mr. H — 's farm. Mr. H — is a well-to-do 
but very timid old bachelor who lives with his three 
sisters; and he was just preparing to have the shanty 
moved near the road and fixed up comfortably for 
the winter when the man got sick. 

We had some perfectly dreadful weather in De- 
cember, — such an unusually deep snow fell on Friday 
night ^nd then on the following Sunday night the 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 113 

thermometer was fifteen degrees below nothing. I 
was with the patient at that time. 

When the deep snow fell on Friday it blew under 
the shingles and through the cracks in the roof. Then 
after awhile it began to melt and pour down from 
the ceiling. There wasn't an umbrella on the place, 
so we got an oilcloth from the kitchen table and put 
it on the patient's bed. I put a quilt around ine and 
a cap on my head. About nine o'clock that night I 
sent Mr. H — a note which ran thus: 

"Snowstorm on the outside and rainstorm on the 
inside ! Please be so kind as to send us half a dozen 
umbrellas, also a rain-coat apiece and a storm-cover 
for the patient's bed. This house has been leaking 
so profusely that there's a dandy swimming pool in 
the middle of the patient's room. If I had my bath- 
ing suit over here I'd sure have a good dive. 

Wishing you a good night's rest without the rain- 
drops playing pit-a-pat on your bed, I am truly, 

Miss Ess." 

Well, Mr. H — crawled from his cozy corner, came 
right over and helped shovel snow from the ceiling. 
But it continued to snow all night, so of course it 
continued to rain on us all night. We dried the floor 
next morning by putting coals of fire in tubs and 
dragging them around. One morning I picked and 
dressed a chicken in the patient's room, for the 
kitchen was like being out of doors. One day a calf 
got into the room adjoining the one occupied by the 
patient and became rather noisy, and the patient 



114 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

said, "What is that in the other room?" I said, "Oh, 
it's just a calf trying to learn to skate." Once a cow 
got on the porch and knocked at the patient's door. 
I went to the door and then turned to the patient and 
said, "It's a cow, — must I let her in?" 

Now I've mentioned only a few of the scores of un- 
heard-of things that occurred during my ten days 
there. It certainly was some experience! But really 
I had lots of fun, and the patient thought I was the 
limit. He got well O. K. 

Referring to your letter of the 18th, I will say that 
it's awfully nice of you not to go back on Big Sis just 
because she eats rats and other varmints. It's no 
cross for me to do without wheat, sugar and all kinds 
of meat 'cept rat — but that's a luxury that I cannot 
agree to part with, war or no war. 

So you're hoping to go to France soon. Well, you 
mustn't pull off a stunt like some of our boys — go over 
there and get captured by a little French girl. Yes, 
I hope the arrow that Cupid sends into your heart 
will be a product of the U. S. A. 

Oh yes of course, as you said in your last letter, 
telling lies is entirely permissible in the game of 
Hearts, for "the recording angel doesn't pay any at- 
tention to the lies a man tells when he is in love." 
So when Cupid strikes just falsify your levelest, get 
married and live happy till death — not divorce — do 
come along and gently lay his hand upon one o' the 
heiirts. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 115 

'Twill most break my neck if my dear pal has to 
go to France — but — of course your sweetheart (the 
Iron Lady) must be protected. 

Let Big Sis hear from you again soon, and re- 
member than in her garden of Memory is a beautiful 
flower ever blooming for you. 

Lovingly your 

Either! 



116 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Camp Beauregard, La. 

July 28, 1918. 

Sister dear, I have just received a scand'lous wel- 
come letter fromi you. Nothing startling in that, is 
there? Probably you were expecting the bright and 
theorizing morning-glory to receive a letter from you. 
Perhaps you remember writing the letter. But do not 
argue with me, for again I must state that you have 
written me with malice and forethought — conse- 
quences be blamed. Hush woman! I have the evi- 
dence here before me, plainly written in your own 
hand with your own pen. 

Now since I have quieted the fuss I again cry out 
in agony, "I have received a letter from you!" Very 
glad to come in contact with such a poetical work as 
calves in the house and cows doing the Poe's raven 
stunt, "Tapping at my chamber door." Of course 
you welcomed the cow into your midst — for not even 
you, a rat-eating nurse, would turn a poor, desolate, 
dejected, rejected, subjected to be inspected cow 
from your adopted bungalow, where, over the sur- 
rounding landscape, the golden corn once grew tall 
and stately, but at the time of your distinguished 
visitor was covered with a white shroud. 

Yes, my dear, I think the Christian act was for you 
to invite the cow in, give her a good lecture on beauty 
sleep, inquire whether she was well satisfied witli 
the present price of her milk, and whether she liked 
timothy better than alfalfa. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 117 

But I'll now dismiss the cow from our kingdom ol 
friendship and will ask you not to write me again at 
Camp Beauregard, as we leave tomorrow or next 
day. I am coming back to the good old U. S. A. 
though, you may bet on that. And when I get back 
I want to spend a week with you and argue the reason 
that I am an infidel (?). I hope you will welcome 
me as a friend, which I'm sure you will if you haven't 
married some student of bugology who has three but- 
terflies, one dragon fly, a bald head and an absent 
mind — in which event you can readily see that you 
would have to do his thinking for him, as well as 
filling his alcohol bottles, pressing his specimens, put- 
ting his pipe and slippers away where they could not 
be found in the evening, and keeping him from catch- 
ing hornets instead of the more harmless germs. But 
if you're looking for a husband I hope you will never 
hop one of that type. And as to my marrying a 
French girl I will say that I patronize only home 
industry. 

Sis, I'll write you again soon. In fact, you may ex- 
pect to be bothered with letters from me at close in- 
tervals, for I would think of discontinuing writing 
to you as soon as I would think of breaking my oath 
to our country. If I stop writing, just watch the cas- 
ualty list. 

Bye bye. With lots of love, I am yours for a long 
time yet. 

Big Bro. Bob. 



118 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Somewhere in France. 

Aug 20, 1918. 
Dear Big Sis: 

We had an excellent trip across, but the sea was 
growing monotonous when we sighted terra cotta. 
Yes indeed, that smile had just about worn out when 
we landed on the coast of France. But we chased 
ourselves out through a moss covered, natural stone 
burg; and when I saw all the French mademoiselles 
I set down a barrage of smiles that would melt the 
heart of a Memphis policeman. 

I have often told you that the U. S. A. is the only 
country to live in. Every time I get out of it I be- 
come more strongly convinced that I have all the 
argument my way. The prettiest thing 1 ever saw 
was the U. S. Flag hanging on a broomstick over the 
American Consul's office in Chili. The most beauti- 
ful thing we have over here is the U. S. Flag and the 
memory of the land that God has blessed. 

Now listen, Hatefulness, please snap out with a 
long, foolish letter and don't be long about it either. 

With love, I am 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 119 

At home in Tennessee. 

Sept. 17th. 



Dear Big Brother: 

Your dog-gon'd welcome letter received today. 
Was just beginning to wonder whether Bob was ever 
going to show up again. But of course I can't expect 
to hear from you as often now as when you were in 
Dixie Land. 

And you request me to send in reply a long, fool- 
ish letter. Now I think I can readily gratify your re- 
quest as far as the former adjective is concerned, but 
am very sorry to be unable to accommodate you by 
sending anything savoring of foolishness for I want 
to assure you that my days of foolishness have long 
ago been relegated to the past and have become only 
a memory. Now when I was a child I spake as a 
child, I understood as a child, I looked like a child 
and acted like a child; but since I became a woman 
I have put away childish things, and the thought of 
anything except the serious and solemncholy is far 
beneath the dignity of my years. Of course you can't 
understand and appreciate it now, but after you have 
plodded past as many milestones as I have you will 
then realize that foolishness, frivolity and fun are not 
to be tolerated by persons of such mature years. So 
let me admonish you to be exceedingly careful in the 
future and never, under any circumstances, mention 
the word "foolishness" to me again, for I long ago 
passed beyond that stage of the game. 



120 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Was awfully sorry you didn't get a furlough be- 
fore going across, as I was anxious to have you come 
and spend a few days in our little burg. I had planned 
a nice trip to the country for you, where you could 
enjoy for awhile the odor of the forest, the dew of 
the ineadow and the song of the morning, together 
with some nice fried rats and cold buttermilk. 

But you say you're coming some day if I don't get 
married! Now I don't think there's the remotest 
probability of my having this question propounded 
to me very soon, — "Do you promise" — etc. — "till 
death?" No, child, I assure you that nothing is farther 
from my mind than matrimony. 

Now don't understand me to be decrying marriage 
for I'm not. I believe that an ideal marriage is the 
happiest state on earth for man or woman. But 
honey, how many ideals ones do you find? Very 
few, I'm afraid; and for that very reson it is with 
fear and trembling that I have always considered the 
question, "To wed or not to wed?" One night I had 
the funniest dream, which is a very good illustration 
of the way I feel about it. I dreamed that the wedding 
guests had assembled in the church and my betrothed 
and I were sauntering up the two aisles and had al- 
most reached the flowery arch from which the wed- 
ding bells were hanging, when suddenly I became 
possessed with one of my "fear and trembling" at- 
tacks. I turned 'round, ran from the church as fast 
as I could and didn't stop till I had reached a forest 
and hid in a hollow tree! I was just debating whether 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 121 

to stay in the tree till I starved to death, or whether 
to creep out after a few days and try to face the 
world again, when I awoke. 

Now you know the Bible says "No marriages in 
heaven!" Guess it's 'cause they haven't been a howl- 
ing success on earth? Why, even Mother Eve's mar- 
riage did not continue ideal; for the first time the 
devil came 'round she subjected herself to criticism 
throughout all the ages by listening to his voice. But 
pore woman, I guess she got so tired hearing nobody's 
voice 'cept Adam's that even the devil was welcome. 
"Variety the spice of life" even in her day! 

Now you mustn't be too dead sure that you're not 
going to fall captive to one of the little foreign girls; 
for let me quote you the following from good au- 
thority:- "If there is one thing more uncertain even 
than the verdict of a jury — if there is one thing which 
is known neither in heaven, earth, nor hell, and 
which angels and demons alike waste time in guess- 
ing at, it is what style of woman any man will fancy 
and select for his wife. It is utterly impossible to 
predict what matriinonial caprice may or may not 
seize even the wisest, most experienced, most prac- 
tical and reasonable of men; and I would sooner un- 
dertake to conjecture how high the thermometer 
stands at this instant on the crest of Mt. Copernicus 
up yonder in the moon, than attempt to guess what 
freak will decide a man's choice of a bride." So now ! 

In a day or two I'll send you a little book — "What 
is Worth While?" — which I believe you will enjoy, 



^ GREEK MEETS GREEK 

especially as you're an infidel. No, honey, you and 
I are not going to argue the question of your infidel- 
ism for I think that I, too, am an "infidel" in the 
same sense that you are. Kid, you're truly a freak 
of nature, for you've got a three-score-and-ten-year- 
old mind stuffed into a one-score-and-four-year-old 
head! Where did you come from anyhow? And, 
of still more consequence, whither are you going? 
I hope that after about three score and sixteen more 
years you're going to heaven; though of course if 
you do I'll have to go elsewhere for it would never 
do for us to land at the same place, as we'd do noth- 
ing but throw lemons at each other and cause horror 
among the holy inhabitants — or, in other words, we'd 
raise h — I (Now that "h — " stands for habitual dis- 
cord.) 

Well, I'll write you again soon — not because I 
'specially want to, but because I just naturally love 
to do things for spite. And you must write this big 
sis as often as you can, even if it's only a post card, 
for I'll now be doubly anxious to know that all is 
well with you. 

Lovingly, 

"Hatefulness." 

(That's a cracker-jack name you've given me. But 
rats! — what's in a name?) 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 123 

Somewhere in France 

Sept. 10th. 



Ma Chere Big Sis: 

I do not have an opportunity to fuss with you as 
often as I would like, but am going to start a let- 
ter to you this morning. Am sending you a few 
post cards which I hope you will receive O. K. 

This is a great country. We have some beautiful 
scenery here, — scenery of various types. If you care 
to see any very old moss-covered stone buildings and 
walls you can find them right here. Some of them 
are as old as the story the Major told us last night. 

Then there's another brand of scenery that is not 
so old, but really better to look upon. It is not by 
any means stationary, — in fact, very portable — or 
maybe "self-propelled" would be a better word. Any- 
how this latter type of scenery goes tripping down 
the cobble-stone street, casting goose-berry eyes at 
the different American soldiers who have a French 
vocabulary of more than one and one-half words. 
(That leaves me out by exactly one word.) This 
scenery hails the khaki-clad hero, hoping to mooch a 
cigarette for herself. Then when he pulls out a 
package she happens to remember that her sister 
smokes — then her brothers — then mamma — then 



124 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

papa — then etc. So to save time, it is advisable to 
give her the package and bid her au revoir. 

And it's also time for me to bid you au revoir. 

Unmistakably yours, 

Bob. 



Sept. 20th. 

Hello Sis:- Is the world treating you O. K. now? 
It is treating me about as often as usual. 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 125 

Somewhere in France. 

Oct. 12th, 1918. 

Dear Big Sis: 

I received a letter from you today, dated Sept. 
17th, and was exceedingly glad to get it for I was be- 
ginning to get homesick for a letter from you. I'll 
write you every opportunity I have but of course 
it won't be as often as when I used to parade in full 
pack back in the Only Land that is worth fussing over. 

Now I must say that you show rare judgment on 
the question of matrimony. It seems to me that it is 
a word that is usually accented on the last syllable — 
mon(e)y. But of course I have no right to criticise 
the battles of life with daughter of Eve for a "file 
leader." I call the woman the "file leader" because 
the man usually drills in the "rear rank" after Ser- 
geant Preacher says, "Forward — March!" 

Now the "spice of life" of which you speak often 
causes the divorce court to signal "As skirmishers" 
and forgets to blow "Assembly." However I'm rav- 
ing about something that I couldn't qualify as first 
class private in. I used to think it the only thing, but 
now I stroke my jaw and ponder. I may change my 
mind; I may not. But if I ever do decide to wreck a 
woman's life she will have "Made in U. S. A." 
branded all over her. 



126 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Well, Dee, I must close. Please write me often, 
and send me some of Service's poems even if you 
have to send a page at a time. 

Your own pal, 

Big Brother. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK m 

Oct. 18th. 
Dear Big Sis : 

This is just to inform you that I am 0. K. and hope 
you are too. But — I'm looking for another letter 
from you. 

Lovingly, 

Bob. 



Oct. 27th. 

My Big Sis: 

You should be ashamed of yourself — get me off 
over here and then forget to write to me. And my 
best friend too! I am speaking of lady friends, un- 
derstand; for when you have a pal that hangs with 
you through it all, — mud, filth, shrapnel, gas, and ma- 
chine-gun bullets, then you have a friend. 

Now I presume that if I should get caught in a 
shower of machine-gun bullets without an umbrella 
you would still ignore me entirely! But no offense 
for of course you are busy, else you would have a 
letter over here to me so long that it would make 
"Ten Nights in a Bar-Room" look like a ten word 
cablegram. But I want you to write to me as often 
as you can. I am still 0. K. and very busy. 

Unanimously yours. 

Bob. 



128 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Somewhere in France. 

Oct. 30, 1918. 



Dear Vee Dee: 



I seat myself on pen with box in hand to prove to 
you that there are more uses for an ink bottle than 
there are for the wrinkles on raisins. 

I am laid up today on the bad-order list but hope 
to be out soon. I hope you are enjoying yourself as 
well as I am, for, between you and me, I am sure 
suffering untold joy. In fact, I had about as soon 
be in France as to be in Fort Leavenworth or Sing 
Sing prisons. Oh, Dee, this is a fine country to live 
in — if you don't care to live very long. 

Listen here, you rat-eating rascal, some of these 
days I am going to eat too much corned-beef and die 
if you don't pull out of your Rip Van Winkle act and 
write me some peace terms. I'll bet there is some 
bugologist hanging around there and you are press- 
ing out butterflies and trying to remember where he 
lost his hat and when his alcohol bottle was filled. 
Now if that is the brand of D. S. O. you are paying 
homage to, then snap out of it, get your head and 
eyes off the ground, straighten up your rifle and get 
into (dam this pen!) action with a nice long letter. 
Sherman was right, I think, when he pulled off that 
famous expression of his. He was trying to write 
some friend with a pen like this one. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 129 

Well, as I have written you ninety two times and 
have heard from you but once, I will close. 

Disgustedly yours. 

Bob. 

P. S. Did you receive the post cards I sent you? — 
huh? 



130 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



T , Tennessee. 

Nov. 29, 1918. 

Dog-gone the luck! Here I've been sending you 
letters and post cards galore and still you keep land- 
ing on me every few days about not writing. Then 
all at once I quit hearing from you. No, I haven't 
had a line since your letter dated Oct. 30th. There 
was some hard fighting in November and it makes 
me wonder how it is with my dear pal. In your 
last letter you spoke of being on the bad-order list. 
Now that doesn't sound at all good to me and I'm 
anxiously awaiting later news. So please drop me a 
card, if nothing more, and let me know about your- 
self. 

Say, did you receive the little collection of 
Service's poems I sent you? Also did you get the 
"What is Worth While" book? I kinder doubt 
whether you received it for I mailed it while away on 
a case. Then after I came home I wanted to send 
you some cigars but the postmaster refused to take 
them, — said they were not allowed to accept any 
packages to France without a permit from an officer. 
I told him about mailing the little book while away, 
and he said, "Well, I'm confident that he did not 
receive it." I thought, "Oh, the !" 

Well, I suppose ole Uncle Sam is a pretty wise guy 
in many respects, but when it comes to putting on 
so much red tape about sending things to our Big 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 131 

Brothers it makes me want to resort to the kind of 
language that you used about your pen. 

And then to think that I can't even send you a 
Xmas package! I put in a "nearest relative" plea — 
but nothin' doin', — they wouldn't let me have a box. 
You know the packages must all go through the Red 
Cross; no soldier can receive more than one package 
and that must be from his nearest relative. So I sup- 
pose your Memphis sister will have the pleasure of 
preparing your Xmas box. Lucky sister! 

I simply think it the dickens that I can't send you 
something. Anyhow I'm slipping a little brown 
handkerchief in with this letter. And yet how do I 
know but that it will be scratched out before it 
reaches you — by one of those pesky censors who poke 
their noses into everything. 

(Now look here, Mr. Censor, if the cap fits you, 
wear it — for if you're butting into my handkerchief 
and my love-letters to Big Brother then I want to say 
that you are the nerviest guy that ever landed on 
French soil; and I hope you won't receive a single 
Xmas box, unless it's a box on the ears from Big 
Brother. So now!) 

Say, kid, I have a book that I want to send you,* so 
please send me that permit from the proper officer. 
Have him fix it so that big sis can send you w^hat- 
ever she dog-goned pleases. 

Gee, I'm resorting to a lot of slang tonight. Don't 
know what's the matter, for it's the first time in all 
my life that I ever indulged in expressions anywhere 



132 GREEKMEETS GREEK 



in the neighborhood of slang. Truly war is de- 
moralizing ! 

I guess you've heard of the terrible epidemic of 
Spanish influenza which has swept over the U. S. 
The death rate has been fearful. I offered my services 
to nurse it in the camps but just as I was ready to go, 
circumstances interfered. So I stayed home and 
nursed it, also nursed some pneumonia cases. 

If this makes good connection it should reach you 
about Christmas time. But if it takes as long a rest 
as some of the others, then it may not find you until 
after you've returned to U. S. A. And by the way, 
you may be en route for home now for all I know. 
Wouldn't that be great? Just let us know when 
you expect to strike Dixie Land, so's we can kill the 
fatted rat. 

Now, old boy, if you're still on earth please drop 
me a line right away. And if you're in heaven then 
send us a message on the sly, — perhaps by way of a 
sunbeam — or a star- twinkle — or — well, perhaps 
'twould suit you better to send it by a thunder-clap ! 

Bye bye. I am still your loving 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 133 



Dec. 10, 1918. 

Sergeant Bee 0. Bee 

In account with 

Vee Dee Ess 

To letters and post cards galore 

Amt. due — An answer to each. 

As I am greatly pressed by my creditors I am com- 
pelled to appeal to those who are indebted to me — 
please remit at once and save trouble and expense. 

V. D. Ess. 



134 G R E E K M E ETS GREEK 



Dec. 22nd, 1918. 

Dearie : 

Diurnally do I deliberate as to your delinquency 
in deigning to disclose to your dismal damsel your 
reason for the duration of this deplorable silence. 

Decorum demands that I discontinue my demon- 
strations of dementia, but my daring disposition de- 
rides and defies decorum and I do dauntlessly declare 
unto you my delirious desire to be no longer denied 
the delectation with which some of your dialect 
would decorate me. 

Continued deprivation will doubtless drive me to 

the d ! 

Devotedly, 

Dee. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 135 



Jan. 15th, 1919. 
Dear Bob : 

Do you know that the last letter I've had from you 
was dated October 30th! I've been watching the cas- 
ualty list, but thank goodness haven't run across 
your name on it yet; however the long lists keep 
coming in each day and it makes me fearful that your 
name may find a place on it yet, for there was some 
fighting after October 30th — and how do I know but 
that my Big Brother went down at the last. Gee, but 
that was a long sentence! — hope it didn't take your 
breath. 

"To resume," as the pickaninny said to the water- 
melon, I'm just trusting that you've written since the 
war closed and that the mail has been delayed. But 
today I wrote your sister in Memphis, asking her the 
latest news of you, — for I don't propose to have you 
lying wounded or perhaps in your soldier's grave 
"Over There" with my knowing nothing about it. 
So now! 

Yes, I want to know whether you're on earth or in 
heaven; 'cause if you're on earth I want to send you 
a dozen pages of my good-for-nothing earth thoughts. 
But if you're in heaven — ah! if you're in heaven then 
look around and see if there's a little hut prepared 
for Big Sis. 



136 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Somewhere Besides Home. 

Jan. 15, 1919. 



Dear Sis Dee : 



I have in my pocket thirty-five centimes in French 
money, and I will make my will, leaving my entire 
estate to you, if you will snap out of it and write me 
a nice long letter. I have about decided you are a 
pretty bum pal when it comes to sticking, as I have 
written you several times from different parts of 
Europe; but when it comes to receiving I am nil for 
I have had only one letter from you since I landed 
in France, — nearly six months ago. Sis, you know 
that is no way to treat a good pal. 

Now of course if we had been playing the role of 
sweethearts and had been writing silly love letters I 
would not be surprised that you had grown tired of 
the correspondence ; for sweethearts come and sweet- 
hearts go, but — well, real pals are supposed to stick 
forever. 

Perhaps you have written and I have failed to re- 
ceive it for our mail does have a hard time finding us, 
especially a casual after he gets cut off from his or- 
ganization. And I have been a casual, subject to 
transfer at a moment's notice, for so long — well, since 
Nov. 1st, 1918. I just came crawling out of the hos- 
pital when the armistice was signed. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 137 

I wish I could run across some one that I knew in 
the States. And I haven't received a single letter 
since Nov. 5th. Now can you beat that? So Sis, 
please open up your jug of wisdom and pour me a 
glass of information concerning the why for I do not 
hear from you as I should. Do you not write or is it 
the mail service — or both? 

Well, I will close. 

Your pal. 

Bob. 



138 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Feb. 10th. 
Dear Bro. Bob: 

Your "knock-down and drag-out" letter dated Jan. 
15th just received. Now if I were a sis who was up 
on cuss-words I'd sure say something awful about 
such luck — for I've written you several long letters 
besides sending numerous post cards, etc. Have you 
not received my Xmas letter? If not, then I'm gonna 
throw up my mitts and cut your acquaintance until 
you return to a civilized world. Now you can just 
proceed to get it out o' your head that I'm a bum pal, 
for it's the bum mail service that is responsible for 
your not hearing from me. 

After receiving your letter this morning I went to 
the telegraph office and had the operator figger on 
the cost of a cable message like this to you — "Sorry 
you haven't received letters. Have written often. 
Will try again." When he announced that it would 
be only $9.04 I took a lonesome $10 bill (my last 
penny in all the world) from my purse and was just 
preparing to bid it bye-bye when the operator began 
to smile. I said, "What you laughing at?" He said, 
"I was just wondering." Sez I, "Yes, you're wonder- 
ing whether I'm going to be fool enough to blow in 
my last ten on this message — and I sho' am if you can 
guarantee it to be delivered." 

Responded he, 
"No guarantee." 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 139 

Then said I, "Nothin' doin' — I'll just go and blow it 
in for chewin'-gum." He looked down at my shoes 
and said, "Or perhaps for a pair of shoes." I said, 
"Rats! I'd rather have gum to chew than shoes to 
wear — good bye." So I sauntered out and — well, I'm 
inclosing you a chew o' the gum. 

Yes, if I could have had any assurance that the 
message would have reached you I sure would have 
sent it. Of course it was mighty little sugar for a 
dime, but who cares a rap for that as long as it's in 
behalf of a pal like you ! I don't expect anything else 
but to land in the pore-house some day, and while I'm 
on my way I suppose you'd just as well get the bene- 
fit of a few of my dimes as anybody else. 

I've been awfully worried about you lately, for the 
letter I received from you today is the first I've had 
since October 30th. So a few weeks ago I sat me 
down and wrote to your sister, asking her about you. 
And, by the way, she played the dickens letting me 
know — for I'm still waiting for a reply. So you know 
I sure was glad to get your letter today; and I hope 
you will continue letting me hear from you as often 
as you can. 

Will write you again soon. With much love, I 
am still 

Your pal, 

Big Sis. 



140 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



V«a Dia Sss. ^^ 




Bsar B0 away this vary day 
Across the saa a-mshing; 
Let ma land in tha guiding band 
Of Ganaral Jobn J. Pershing. 



-, Tennessee. 



Feb. 24th, 1919. 



I salute you. General Pershing ! — Now I'm ready to 
ask the favor; for considering the fact that you're a 
gentleman of leisure with nothing of any importance 
to occupy your mind, of course you'll be tickled to 
death to have me send you on an errand, — so here 
goes. 

I've got a pesky little adopted brown-eyed brother 
(at least he says his eyes are brown, though I've never 
yet had a chance to look into 'em) who has been 
"Over There" for six months. I've heard from him 
often during that time and though I have retaliated 
by sending him frequent letters he has received only 
one of them, and that was written last September. 



^___ GREEK MEETS GREEK 141 

He promises to will me his entire estate of thirty- 
five centimes if I'll snap out of my Rip Van Winkle 
act and write him a letter. 

Now I'm tired o' burning the midnight oil manu- 
facturing enchanting epistles for his edification and 
then never having him lay eyes on 'em — or, in other 
words, I'm weary of "wasting my sweetness on the 
desert air;" therefore if you'll use your influence in 
assisting the inclosed letter to reach him I'll go halves 
with you on the estate which he has promised to leave 
me. What more striking guarantee of my deep 
earnestness in this matter could be given? 

Last August he went across with Co. E, 153rd Inf.; 
but the last address he sent (Jan. 15th) was 

Sergt. Bee O. Bee, 

A. P. O. 705 Casual Det., A. T. S. 

Bassens, France. 

Last November's issue of "The World's Work" 
makes you responsible for the following quotation, — 
"Each person should do each day the thing that 
comes to him or her to the very best of his or her 
ability." Now I've done my very levelest in trying 
to induce you to help my letter find Sergt. Bee, and 
I shall expect you in turn to practice what you preach 
and accomplish the thing whereunto I send you to 
the very best of your ability; for I cannot emphasize 
too strongly my belief that a couple o' broken hearts 



142 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

is in prospect unless you promptly and decisively act 
to avert it. 

Now honest Injun, General Pershing, I do hate for 
my little soldier friend to be laboring under the er- 
roneous impression that his very best pal has gone 
clear back on him; and it will be a great favor to me 
if you'll look him up, put the proper address on the 
inclosed letter and mail it to him. 

Thanking you in advance for your kindness and 
hoping that you shall some day be so fortunate as 
to have the honor of smoking cigars with Sergt. Bee, 

I am truly, 

(Miss) Vee Dee Ess. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 143 



Feb. 24th, 1919. 

Bobbie, pal, today I send 

A line to General Pershing, 
Inclose this note and ask him please 
To send to you a-rushing. 
Yes, I'm about to throw a spasm on account of 
your failing to receive the mail I send you, for I have 
had repeated letters and cards from you saying that 
you had received only one letter from me since you 
landed "Over there." Yesterday another card comes, 
and without your address on it, assuring me that al- 
though you do not hear from me you are still hold- 
ing no grudge against me. 

Now listen here, Bobbie Boy, it isn't my fault that 
you do not hear from this big sis, for I've written you 
more letters than you could count in a week and I 
can't understand why they have not reached you. So 
I thought I'd send this one to Headquarters and ask 
him in the name o' goodness to direct and mail it to 
you if he knew where to find you. 

Yes, honey, I'd be tickled to death to write you 
two or three times a day if you'd stay in one place 
long enough to get 'em. But who wants to waste so 
much sweetness on fifteen or twenty page letters and 
then have you run away and leave 'em in the lurch 
before they even have time to get there. Now that's 
a nice way to treat Big Sis's letters! 

At one time I was awfully up in the air about you 
for I didn't hear from you for about three months 



144 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

and was becoming woefully apprehensive! Yes, I 
was afraid you had bidden this vain world good- 
bye, therefore all joy hastened to foresake the cham- 
bers of my soul and I was just preparing to write a 
little "In Memoriam" poem entitled "To Bobbie in 
Heaven — or Elsewhere," when here came a very 
much alive and very much welcome letter from you, 
pronouncing maledictions upon your not guilty Big 
Sis because she hadn't written you, — when in fact she 
had been doing her levelest to keep you well sup- 
plied with her adorable' letters. Now ain't you sorry? 
But I'll forgive you provided you'll hurry up and 
come on back home where we can throw lemons with 
some degree of certainty of their hitting the mark; 
for it's an awfully unsatisfactory shot with an ocean 
between us, especially with you on the jump all the 
time. (I never could shoot a bird on the wing!) So 
I don't see any other alternative except for you to 

Grab your grip and hustle 

Across the miles of space. 
Have these months of absence 

No longer in the race; 
And then — ^ye gods have mercy! — 
We'll see each other's face. 
Bye-Bye, old boy. Keep me informed of your ad- 
dress and I'll continue sending you letters, hoping 
that this mail service will get off the bum by and by. 

Your pal, 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 145 



March 1st. 

Say, Bob, this morning I received the little book — 
"What is Worth While?"— that I mailed you last 
September. It had been forwarded to you at differ- 
ent places in Europe, but was finally marked "Un- 
called for" and returned to me. Am making another 
effort to get it to you. 

Big Sis. 



146 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Right Here. 

Feb. 28th. 
My dear Big Sis : 

At last it has happened! Yes, I have a real, genu- 
ine, unadulterated letter from you dated Feb. 10th. 
Vee Dee, you always were a wonder! Just as I was 
regaining my senses from five days' fever at a tem- 
perature of 105° and had got all the green snakes, 
beautiful roses, blue spotted lizards and sea-poppies 
chased off my bed, the nurse comes 'round with a 
smile and a letter from Big Sis. If I hadn't received 
that letter I would not have been out of bed yet. 
Honey, please don't ever have pneumonia in more 
than one lung at a time, 'cause it's unhealthy. 

I wrote you two or three dozen letters, more or 
less, before I went to the hospital and I know I got 
real sarcastic in some of them but 1 also know that 
it's O. K. with you, 'cause you're my pal; and a real 
pal takes the cussin' and lets it go at that — for of 
course neither of us are saints nor anger proof. 

Now with sweethearts it's a different proposition; 
for when either of them thinks that the other might 
have intended to speak sarcastic, then look out ! Did 
you ever notice it? Yes, the hero can tell his queen 
that her cheeks are as red as a rose, and she looks as 
happy as a rookie that has just busted a crap game. 
But that hero fools 'round and by some mistake in 
different vegetable plants, he says, "Darling, your 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 147 

face is as red as a beet!" Goodness, sis, then is when 
things begin to happen! It gets just as quiet 'round 
there as an allied drive on the western front and 
about as safe as a German machine-gun implace- 
ment. Funny, ain't it? 

I am getting anxious to come on that visit to you 
for I feel like you are the only pal I have left. You 
see old Crox and Harrod have gone on the Big Drive 
to the Golden Gate and it leaves me feeling like an 
orphan. I get pretty blue at times but I wander 
off down to the shore and smell the sea awhile. Then 
I want to feel the roll of the ship, the sting of the 
spray and the taste of the sea air. In other words, I 
want to hit the last trail; that trail we all love — the 
old trail back home. 

Well, sis, I must close and go to bed. I am still 
pretty weak. Write to your 

Big Brother. 



148 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Still Here. 

March 6th. 
My dear Pal: 

I can't wait till I hear from you before I write 
again. I don't think you would approve of it any- 
way. 

I am feeling fine after my trip to the hospital and 
my dose of pneumonia. I imagine the nurse giving 
me a smile now and then helped me as much as 
anything else. 

I was strolling down by the shore last evening. 
There was a little moon and you could see black 
triangles specking the horizon, — little sail boats float- 
ing with the inland wind, and now and then the 
hoarse whistle of a tug; then the rattle of chains as 
some big steamer weighed anchor to start her voy- 
age — where? What flag was she flying? It was too 
dark for me to decide. Perhaps she was bound for 
the land we love. Now when we stop to think about 
it the world is a small place after all; but when you 
get stationed indefinitely in a port with three thou- 
sand miles of water between you and home then it 
seems to be a great big world. 

Sis, I am going to keep my promise and come to 
see you as soon as I return to good old U. S. A. I am 
guessing at the welcome. But even if I am not wel- 
come I shall stay in j'^our town at least one week; for 
you are silly if you think I have become possessed 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 149 

with wanderlust to such a degree that I cannot re- 
main in one town one week. 

I am sorry that I have not received your letters, 
especially the one you wrote 'long 'bout Christmas 
time. You can't guess what I received Christmas. 
A nice mess-gear full of beans for dinner. In the 
afternoon I strolled out to explore an old cave where 
Napoleon and other noted warriors had housed some 
of their troops on their various campaigns. I be- 
came so interested in historic and aristocratic con- 
ditions that I forgot my six o'clock mess call, there- 
fore I didn't get any supper on that muddy Christmas 
day. But I guess we doughboys can recall times 
when we had more to worry about than missing a 
meal. 

Now I guess it's time to blow "Recall" on this letter. 

Undeniably yours, 
Bob. 

P. S. I don't understand why Sister did not an- 
swer your letter. I'll have to jack her up about it. 



150 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



April 4th. 
Dear little Orphan: 

Yes, I know you do feel all alone since your best 
pals are gone. Dear old Crox! — I mentally bring 
some flowers, and standing beside his grave in Flan- 
ders field 1 scatter them from the head to the foot, 
for it was indirectly through him that I found you. 

Our khaki-clad boys! — dying that the Iron Lady 
may live ! 

Will write you at length in a few days. 

Lovingly, 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



151 




152 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

April 7, 1919. 

Dear Bobbie : 

I have before me two letters which I received from 
you a few days ago and which I will try to answer 
after some sort of a fashion — my usual fashion I 
suppose! 

Now in the first place I want to tell you that I gave 
you credit for having better judgment than to accept 
even a single, much less a double, dose of pneumonia. 
If you were determined to try it, then why didn't you 
postpone it till you returned home so I could show 
you what a cracker-jack nurse I am? But if that was 
longer than you cared to wait, then why in the name 
o' goodness didn't you have your nurse write and 
tell me that you were sick? I sure would have sent 
some "S. O. S. my little Pal" messages up to heaven 
in your behalf. Well, I'm glad you pulled through 
even if I didn't get a chance to worry myself to death 
about it. 

But never mind, I'll get even with you yet; for by 
all the laws, both of nature and of common sense, 
I'm due to "go west" ahead o' you, and I'm not going 
to let you know when I get sick, — not even if I'm at 
the very pin-point of death! And more than that, 
you'll not even be invited to attend the funeral! 
Now see what you'll miss, — 'cause I'm planning 
to have a service which shall be conducted ac- 
cording to my own individual wishes and ideas. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 153 

(Then won't it be a peach?) Now I'm not joking 
about that, for really and truly I have always said 
that I was going to manufacture my own service. 
What I mean by that is that I'm going to write my 
own sermon and have it read by some friend at my 
grave. I don't want no preachers buttin' in, 'cause 
preachers and I don't gee very well and they might 
decide to take out their spite on me by telling the 
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, 
therefore I'll fix the thing exactly to suit myself. 
What do you think about it? But of course your 
opinion is neutral, since you're not going to be invited 
to hear me give myself the final send off! 

After informing me that you had had pneumonia 
you drifted along in your letter until you made this 
erroneous statement, "Neither of us are saints nor 
anger proof." Now I'd like to inquire what reason 
I've ever given you for believing that I'm anything 
short of a saint! I had determined to write myself 
up as such in the aforementioned sermon, and here 
you come along and try to throw cold H2O on my 
plans! I'm also at a loss to understand your reason 
for imagining that I could possibly, under any cir- 
cumstances, be induced to become anywhere in the 
neighborhood of ruffled in temper! 

Then you drift along a little farther and criticise 
the fair sex for preferring that the unfair sex tell 
them that their cheeks are like roses rather than 
beets. Gee, right there you struck the keynote to 
why you and I have never been able to get along to- 



154 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

gether; for you have positively, persistently, and 
everlastingly refused to say something on the order 
of this to nie, — "Big Sis, I've never seen you but I 
know from the tone of your letters that your eyes are 
twin stars, your cheeks are as the peach blossom, 
your teeth are pearls, your lips rosebuds, and your 
voice is sweetest music." Now I've tried my dar — 
(I started to say darndest, but I won't) to induce you 
to express yourself after some such poetical fashion 
to me; though if you should honestly attempt such a 
feat it would be just like you to make a miscue and 
get it this way, — "Big Sis, I'm haunted with visions 
of your crossed eyes, your freckled cheeks, your false 
teeth, chapped lips, and screech-owl voice." Yes, that 
would sound more like you, for the only compliment 
you ever handed me was to liken me unto that long- 
eared animule, "Dear Kate." Of course that was 
better than nothing — but — well, as you're my own 
dear pal I guess I'll have to skuze your sins, both of 
omission and of commission, minus a condition 
which forbids repetition. So just come on with yer 
rat killin' and I'll just continue to adore you which- 
ever way you strike. 

But in spite of all your faults, when the oppor- 
tunity presents itself you must be certain not to re- 
fuse to start back to your ain countrie, and when you 
get here just make a beeline to my mess hall where 
I'll have a nice fresh sandwich awaiting you. Yes, 
you must spend a week with us. In fact, I think 
you'll have to spend two or three after devouring the 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 155 

sandwich — though it didn't have such an effect upon 
that Other Party, for he bade me an unfond bye-bye 
almost before it had time to reach the cardiac end of 
his esophagus. 

No, honey, don't say anything to your sister about 
not writing to me, for I'm going to Memphis soon and 
will attend to it — see if I don't! But she is not the only 
one who has handed me the cold shoulder, for I 
haven't received a line from General Pershing in re- 
ply to an important letter that I recently sent him. 
I know he got it because I have the return receipt. 
Now I can excuse your sister for not writing, for 
doubtless she is busy, but General Pershing has no 
earthly excuse for delaying to send me a ten page let- 
ter. If he persists in failing to do so and should ever 
run for President of the U. S. I shall certainly use my 
influence in getting him defeated. So he'd better 
mind who he's snubbin'. And if you ever neglect me 
in any such fashion I shall positively refuse to be the 
bride at your weddin'. So good-bye! 

Big Sis. 



156 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



Office of 

Bee O. Bee. 

Dealer in 

DISCARDED DREAMS — WORTHLESS IDEAS 
and SECOND HAND LOVE AFFAIRS 

Miss-Takes (Sec.) Miss-Haps (Treas.) 

Miss-Fortune (Business Mgr.) 



Somewhere in this God-forsaken Country. 

March 26th. 

Big Sis, I am greatly in favor of looking over a pas- 
senger list that looks favorable; for when the rumor 
comes 'round that we are likely, apt, or more than 
likely to get on the passenger list between now and 
May, June, July, Aug., Sept., Oct., Nov., Dec, or 1920, 
then I make up my mind that I'm a lucky dog — for 
all the time I am wanting to, desirous of, or am 
suffering with a desire to manage, contrive, discover 
or figger out a way (just any d — way) to get on the 
beforementioned passenger list. 

One of these days I shall get there, arrive, or make 
a visit at your castle, home, chateau, domicile, or 
mansion just to show you that I am capable of sur- 
viving a whole war by myself. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 157 

I am feeling fine, O. K., and in good health. If I felt 
any better I don't think I could survive. 

We are not bothered with dust in this country. But 
just wait till our friend, Miss Summertime, comes 
'round and I'll bet a yankee dime that we'll be pray- 
ing for just one little shower to sorter take the rocks 
and dust out of the air. Thank heaven we don't have 
to kill the beautiful Dutch in this ding-busted 
weather. All we have to do is to criticise the officers 
who are above us. 

But probably I had better stop this noisy noise. 
Yours till I lose my Service Record. 

Bob. 



158 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



875th Co. Trans. Corps. 

A. T. S. Camp A. P. 0. 705. 

Base Section No. 2. 

2nd G. D. 

Bassens, 

France. 

Eastern Hemisphere. 

Earth. 

March 31st, A. D. 1919. 



Ma Chere : 



Just to show you that you are not half forgotten 
in this land of the Ancients I will try to run you out 
a few lines in behalf of all concerned, which includes 
the whole world, — even the beautiful mermaids that 
inhabit the Atlantic, Pacific, Arctic, Antarctic and 
the Indian Oceans, as well as the seven Seas. 

But the fair mermaids in the Atlantic are the ones 
that I have particular reference to. Sh-h-h-h- (this is 
all whisper stuff). I think those little beauties are 
stealing my mail. You well know that the mermaids 
are all wild about me and are very jealous about the 
letters that I receive from other girls. So this is what 
I think has happened. The little girl with the long 
slimy fish tail heard that a letter was coming to me, 
so she rushes over to the ship and makes eyes at the 
sailor boy (all sailor boys love the mermaids) and 
tells him that she wants the letters that are on there 
for me. She takes them down to her home. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 159 

She is fond of me because I used to sit up at night 
and talk to her over the rail of the ship and because 
I never mistreated her little friends, the flying fish, 
the dragon fly and the sea gulls. I told her beauti- 
ful stories about the high mountains and the green 
valleys with the daisies blooming therein. She is 
fond of my stories and is weeping for me to come 
back to see her again. And, between you and me, 
I think that the reason the sea is so salty. 

You well know the story of the wonderful mill that 
is still grinding out "salt, salt, nothing but salt." Now 
that's what THEY say. But you can't fool me. That 
mill is worn out long ago. What makes that bloom- 
ing sea so salty is the fact that all those mermaids 
are out there weeping for me to come back and see 
them. Nope, you can't fool me. Why chile, I wasn't 
twenty one years old till I was noticing things! 

Hoping you will find time to think of me now and 
then I will pipe down for the time being. 

Your loving brother, 

Bob. 



160 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Same Place— different date. 
My dear Big Sis: 

I have just received the wonderful little book — 
"What is Worth While?"— that you sent me back 
yonder in Sept. 1918, After bouncing back and forth 
between the two hemispheres she at last bumps into 
me headlong. And a great book it is ! I am especially 
pleased with the passages that you have underlined. 
But Sis, I'm getting anxious for some more letters 
from you for there is no book that appeals to me like 
the writings of a real live friend. 

Say, sis, I've run across a new pal — a reprobate by 
the name of 0. H. Harvey. He is indeed a wonder- 
ful fellow. I am going to invite him to call 'round 
with me when we get home for I want you to know 
him. And I want to tell you that they can't get me 
back to the land that God built one minute too soon. 
Neither can I meet my Big Sis a minute too soon. I 
am under the impression that I shall be a welcome 
visitor, — that is if we are as good friends as we seem. 
I think I know my big sis. I may be disappointed, 
but not this time for I would gamble on my Pal to the 
last. 

I would like for us to wander off to the violets and 
poppies all by our lonesome and talk it over by our- 
selves. I often wander away and talk to the pretty 
sea poppies — beautiful yellow sea poppies. I ask 
them if this or that is true. They nod their heads 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 161 

yes or no. The sea poppy is a wonderful thing to 
answer all questions just as the tide is going out and 
the beautiful day is dying. 

Well Sis, I must close and go to bunk. Your pal 
is homesick. Write soon, and remember to love your 

Big Brother. 



162 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



April 23rd. 

Bless your dear little homesick heart! Guess Big 
Sis will have to play real porely and call you home, — 
'cause they'll let you off if any of your family gets 
sick, won't they? Yes, they'd let you off like the Red 
Cross let me have a box to send you Xmas — for I put 
in a "nearest relative" oath, and do you know they 
had the audacity to disbelieve me though I offered 
to swear it on a stack o' Byrons ! 

Yes, I was crazy to send you one of those boxes. 
Bet you couldn't guess in a month o' rainy days what 
I was going to put in it ! But never mind, I'll fix you 
next Christmas, — that is, if we manage to stay on 
speaking terms till then. You see I've already ex- 
plained to you that pals and I don't hang together 
long; for though I always try my "dar — " to keep 'em 
in a good humor, they invariably hunt 'round till 
they manage to find something to go up the spout 
about. Then it's "Good bye my honey, I'm gone!" 
Gee, I was simply raised on that song — have had it 
sung to me by more Dear Departing Pals than I can 
shake a stick at. Now ain't I lucky not to be mar- 
ried — for if I had a husband I'd be scared to death all 
the time for fear that he, too, might spring that song 
on me! 

Now this is an honest-to-goodness dream I had 
a few nights ago. I dreamed that on the impulse 
of the moment I got married, and about ten minutes 
after the ceremony I sat me down to write you a long 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 163 

letter. In comes Mr. Husband and asks who Fm writ- 
ing to. I tells him I'm writin' to the dandiest pal this 
side o' Hades. He immediately goes straight up in 
the air and tells me I shan't write to you. So I ups 
and tells him he can just git his walkin'-papers ready, 
for I wouldn't give up writing to my Big Bro. for 
all the husbands in heaven, earth, or down yonder. 
Then I awake just as he starts the familiar tune, 
"Bye-bye, my Honey, I'm gone." 

Not changing the tune, but I'm glad you en- 
joyed the little book. Not many boys of your age 
would care a rap for a book like that; but I knew it 
was one that you could understand and appreciate. 
And yet how is it that you understand so far beyond 
your years? — for usually we gain full understanding 
only after bitter experiences in life; and surely the 
years have not yet brought into your life the experi- 
ences from which you have learned the lessons! 

Am on a case now but when I'm through with this 
patient will send you something else to read. Will 
also send you and your pal, Harvey, a box of cigars 
in a few days. Yes, bring him 'round when you 
come to see me — 'specially if he's a reprobate, 'cause 
reprobates and I get along swimmingly together. 
Will be tickled clear down to the ground to see both 
of you — with especial emphasis on the you. 

Now, honey, I'll bid you goodnight. 

Lovingly your 

Big Sis. 



164 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



May 10th. 

"All things come to him who waits." I have waited 
a long time to find out why you have sassed me in 
every letter for one whole year and then some! Now 
your letter of April 7th explains it clearly, — for I 
find that you have been yearning for your Romeo 
to tell the beautiful story; so just look timid for here 
goes:- I love you. 

Yes, I have chucked lemons at the best pal in the 
whole land. I have called her "Big Sis" instead of 
"My Own Darling Girl." I have insinuated that she 
was only a human instead of an angel sent down 
from heaven on special duty or detached service. I 
have compared her to a noted animal with extensive 
ears instead of the Melo de Venus that she is. 

I really deserve the fate of a fat pup in a sausage 
factory; however if you will intercede with the gods 
of Fate in my behalf that they refrain from inflicting 
such a punishment upon me, then I solemnly declare 
that never again will I be guilty of repeating such 
inexorably non-matrimonial inclinations — so help 
me Lucifer. As little as I deserve it, perhaps you 
will forgive me when I remind you of the tried fact 
that we men are oft erring, foolish and stupid when 
we're unconsciously verging into the pure brand of 
undying love that was invented by Adam and Eve, 
advocated by Ulysses and Circe, guaranteed by 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 165 

Romeo and Juliet, and successfully operated in mo- 
tion pictures. 

But say, my angel of the feminine gender, I want 
to tell you that I have just received a letter and a 
handkerchief from you dated Nov. 29th. The en- 
velope will make a good souvenir for it was in just 
the condition that you find it inclosed herewith. I 
think that is one envelope that has done its duty, so 
please give it a home until I come tramping back 
again. Have also received the duns for letters you 
wrote me 'long about that time. 

Well, honey, I must stop for I have about eight 
more letters to write. Hoping to hear from you 
soon, I am 

Everlastingly yours. 

Bob. 



166 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



May 28th. 

Dear Everlastingly Mine: 

Your heavenly love-letter just received. Wish I 
could do it justice but am afraid I can't as I've had 
so little experience in writing love-letters. In fact, I 
never wrote but one in all my life and I got cussed 
out for that. You see it happened this way:- Once 
upon a time in the far distant past I had a sweet- 
heart (yes, a real live sweetheart) who ventured to 
write me of his undying love and devotion, and re- 
quested that I relieve his unbearable suspense at the 
earliest possible moment by promising to become 
his very own. I was crazy about him, so I sits down 
and tries my hand on a love-letter to him. It ran 
about this way, — "Got your letter about two weeks 
ago but haven't yet had time to consider whether 
I'm very desperately in love with you or not. I kinder 
halfway think maybe I am, but can't say for dead 
sure. Will figger on it soon and let you know. 
Please excuse pencil and also my yawning for it's 
getting late." Well, do you know he wrote and told 
me to go to the d — ! I didn't go though and am so 
glad I didn't, 'cause if I had I wouldn't have run 
across you as soon as I did. And I'm not going to 
attempt a love-letter to you for the simple reason 

that I'd hate awfully bad to refuse to go to the d • 

if you told me to. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 167 

Well, what are you doing these days? And how's 
your pal, Harvey? — the reprobate who's going to help 
us eat sandwiches next summer. Give him my love 
and a can of corned beef. 

And so you're corresponding with eight other girls ! 
Gee, I think a little dickens like you is lucky to get 
one girl to write to him, much less all of eight! But 
that just shows how unequally distributed things are 
in this world, for here I've been living all these years 
and never had but one correspondent 'cept you — and 
he was the one who told me where to go! 'Taint fair!! 

Sis. 



168 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



May 31st. 
Dear Big Sis: 

Just to show you that I am still in the land of the 
living I will try to punch you a line or two on this 
dog-goned old mill. 1 am about as handy with a 
type-writer as a hippopotamus is at the nimble act 
of catching butterflies. I tried to write you a letter 
with a pen but the blank, blank, blankety, blank, e 
pluribus unum, nux vomica, non compos mentis, 
beautiful pen would only scratch, that's all. 

I came in from fourteen days' leave — giving France 
the once over — and found a nice box of El Toros also 
your letter of April 23rd. I recalled every time that I 
had ever spoken sarcastic to my Big Sis. I made the 
calculation that I had often, and so on — you know 
just how it is when we are all in a loving mood, etc. 

But Sis, I'm afraid that if we had never been sar- 
castic — and — well, if we had been anything else 
than what we are we might never have cultivated 
the same love that we now have growing in the gar- 
den of our hearts (I have a good stand in my own 
garden). No, I would never have answered your 
first letter if it hadn't been a pretty strong "jibe" — 
or "get back" as we call it in the army. But I am 
certainly glad I did, for I have run across one char- 
acter — a woman that I've learned to love above all 
others and there's no use arguing with myself about 
that. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 169 

I sure felt my importance when I found my two 
score and ten smokes. I had a great desire to give 
one Big Sis a real bear hug and tell her how es- 
sential she was to the whole world at large, and to 
me individually and collectively, direct an3 indirect, 
positive and negative. 

The sunrise here is certainly beautiful. Miss Dawn, 
like Venus, steps lightly from her bath in the opa- 
lescent mists and dons her robe of brown and gold, 
then goes tripping 'round the horizon like a million 
fairy maidens dancing before Ole King Kole. Then 
she throws off her robe of brown and gold for one 
of gray and silver. While she is dancing in her 
radiant beauty and joy she beholds the arms of her 
lover — The Sun — reaching out to embrace her. But 
she, like a maiden in love, blushingly skips away and 
a new day is born. (Now see what El Toros do for 
me!) 

Goodness, Chile, you must have been powerful 
sick the nite you dreamed you wuz married! Are 
you sure 'twernt a nitemare you had? But I'm glad 
you was still liking your Big Bro. 

I think things are running very nicely to bring me 
right into your loving arms by the latter part of July. 
We will then get us a couple of tomahawks and go 
back to the Stone Age and fight it out as ladies and 
gentlemen should; for I see there's no use in our 
trying to settle this thing on paper, because in one 
letter you tell me you love me and in the next you 



170 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



want me to explain why Fm still living. O' Cruel 
Woman, you are a sweet old pal! 

With lots of love, I am yours 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 171 



June 4th, 1919. 



Hello Sis: 



This is just to stop you from things of minor 
importance and let you listen to some things that 
are really worth while; for I am going lo tell you 
something that will make you sit up and take notice! 
You see, the fellows that are returning to the U. S. A. 
are spouting off a whole lot about this country that 
is all wrong. I am going to tell you some of the re- 
deeming features about this part of the world. 

Now in England you will find fun, folly and the 
flu, also Westminster Abbey and Lloyd George. 

In Spain we find buildings, booze and bull fights 
that were left over from the gladiatorial days. 

Italy is an ideal place to go if you want to find 
something that has the stamp of approval of the 
ancients, — such as Caesar, Brutus, Antony, Carry Na- 
tion, and all the old boys that used to shoot craps 
with destiny. Their tracks are 'round there yet — 
not enough industry to abolish them. 

Belgium consists of battle souvenirs, shell-shocked 
church steeples and good people. 

But now we take the charming France ! Her fences 
are hedges of beautiful rose bushes that bloom the 
year 'round. The drowsy river that flows by the 
castle of Count No-Account is overflowing with 
champagne and red wine. Water is used only to 
make rainy days and mud-holes. We all practice the 



172 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

doctrine of What's the Use? There's no need of 
work, no need of worry, no need of nothing. No 
need of sleep because if we go to sleep we might get 
sober. 

Yes, France is THERE. There is more land to the 
yard in France than there is to the foot in America. 
She raises more grapes in one year than Welch ever 
plowed in one day in his whole existence. Not only 
that, but you take her orange crops down near the 
Spanish border and you find more oranges on twenty 
acres of land than ever grew on one tree in the 
whole state of California. Now you think I am hold- 
ing up for this country just because I'm over here, 
but you're all wrong again. 

Listen, honey, a pesky corporal comes in here 
just now and chirps out the information that he 
wishes we would get that order that is going to give 
us the divine right to go home. Now can you beat 
that? Actually wanting to leave this land of sour 
wine and wooden shoes ! I have never before heard 
of such ungratefulness. Talk about nuts! — that boy 
would make a pecan orchard look barren. Now just 
imagine your own sweet self in a heavenly place 
where champagne, red and white wine and French 
itch grow in abundance, and then along comes an un- 
grateful lad wanting to go home! What I think 
should be done with him is this :- Give him a General 
Court Martial and sentence him to eat two mince pies 
and one quart of ice cream, drink one half gallon of 
sweet milk and smoke fifteen of his favorite ciga- 



. GREEK MEETS GREEK 173 

rettes each day; and kiss the prettiest girl south of the 
Mason and Dixon line at least half a dozen times a 
day. Have him keep this up for the rest of his worth- 
less life. I think that would make him repent of 
his evil way. 

I hope you have not become an old married lady 
lately; for when you take out your morning report 
and write "No change," then everything is running 
pretty nice. But when you write "One husband at- 
tached for rations," then you have started a lifetime 
campaign. There is no re-enlistment pay coming. 
There is no end of the first enlistment. If you desire 
to transfer to another branch of the service you have 
to desert in order to do it. They say that single life 
is negative happiness — but — well, we'll discuss that 
when I get home. 

Now, my Minerva, I am afraid you are sitting up 
waiting for this letter so I will hand it to you, kiss 
you g. n. and go to bed. 

Yours lovingly, 

Bob. 

1st Ind. 

(See heading of original letter.) 

Dear Miss Ess : 

The foregoing was referred to me by "Yours lov- 
ingly" for approval; therefore I take the liberty to 
say (by indorsement hereon) that the above is 
heartily approved by the undersigned, and that in 
most instances our sentiments are in perfect bar- 



174 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

mony. I may add, however, that at times we differ 
to some extent in regard to the mademoiselles. Bob 
always wants the girls I get, and that leaves me with- 
out. But what worries me most is whether Mutt 
will ever grow as tall as Jeff. 

Thanks for the smokes Bob gave me. 

Harvey. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 175 



Dear Pal Bob : 

I wrote you a long letter a few days ago, but here 
1 come again — come to give you some pointers on 
the weather, for truly we've been having some days 
left over from the flood. Rain! rain! rain! But 
after a long day of riot and turbulence the wind has 
repented and calmed down; the trees have ceased to 
rock and tremble; the grasses stand still and hold 
their heads erect, and the "forget-me-nots" are blos- 
soming up yonder. 

Well, are you keeping happy these days? I hope 
so. In fact, I'm inclined to the belief that you refuse 
to allow any of your days to slip into the past without 
a "Happy" label on 'em. But say, dearie, wouldn't 
you like to do something to make me happy? Some- 
thing that would bring sunshine into my heart which 
has long been desolate and deserted and haunted by 
those birds which nestle only in ruins. Something 
that would not only brighten my life, but which I am 
confident would eventually add to your own welfare 
and happiness. Shall I dare explain, or shall I con- 
tinue silent? My heart rebels against longer silence; 
it cries to be relieved of this continued, this unbear- 
able suspense. And yet it fears to speak — fears be- 
cause confronted with the question, "What shall your 
answer be?" 

Perhaps I'd better wait until I see you face to face; 
wait till I can read the answer from your eyes. And 



176 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

yet it may be two long months before I look into 
those eyes! What an interminable period! How 
slowly Father Time creeps along! Can't you do 
something to hurry him up ? However if disappoint- 
ment is awaiting me, then would I delay his foot- 
steps — delay them in order that I may have a bit 
longer to live in hope. I can't believe, though, that 
you're going to disappoint me, — can't believe you're 
going to refuse. I can't imagine your answering 
"NO," for such an answer would cause a hurt that 
would always live in my heart — and you don't want 
to do that, do you? 

Oh Bobbie, don't you understand? Can't you di- 
vine the meaning of this? Haven't you read between 
the lines and learned the secret? Who couldn't? 
Yes, surely you have guessed it! 

BUT — for fear that you have failed to guess cor- 
rectly I'll unburden my heart and tell you what I'm 
driving at. It is this — ^Won't you please make me su- 
premely happy by lelling me what will cure "gaps" 
in chickens, for mine are dyin' by the dozen! 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 177 



June 16th. 
Dear Sis: 

I can heartily reconnnend myself to you as a 
specialist on gaps, for in all my vast experience with 
gap-infested poultry I have yet to lose my first case, 
and I shall be only too glad to make you supremely 
happy by offering suggestions which if carefully fol- 
lowed will bring your remaining birds back to health 
and happiness. 

Now in order to give you a full understanding of 
the malady I will discuss it briefly. 

Definition — Gaps is a disease especially charac- 
terized by yawning, weakness of the eyes and limbs, 
together with greatly exaggerated nervous symptoms. 

Etiology — This is obscure. It is pre-eminently a 
disease of childhood. Heredity has been observed in 
one tenth of the cases, and a neurotic consfitution 
seems to favor it. 

Symptoms — The first symptom is invariably a fre- 
quent opening and closing of the mouth. The tongue 
is coated. The patient rapidly loses strength espe- 
cially in the limbs. The eyes become sunken and the 
skin gray or ashen. 

Diagnosis — This is not difficult although some- 
times the disease is confounded with cholera. But the 
yawning on the one hand and the weak knees on the 
other usually make the diagnosis easy. 



178 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

Treatment — As to drugs, they are of limited utility 
Stimiulants are indicated. Brandy is the best form of 
stimulant, though iced champagne may be given in 
small quantities often repeated. Electricity is a popu- 
lar remedy, and failure with it is due to imperfect 
and too brief trial. Counterirritation to the spine 
is also beneficial. The tepid bath is entirely safe. 
Its temperature should be from 80° to 90° F. with 
gentle rubbing. Wet compresses to the limbs at 
night help to relieve the weak knees. Fatigue of all 
kinds as well as anxiety of mind should be avoided, 
while moderate exercise may be encouraged. The 
diet should consist exclusively of sorghum seed. 

If the above measures fail, then a sure cure can be 
accomplished by bandaging the patient's mouth so 
he can't gap. 

Truly, 

Bee O. Bee, C. D. (Chicken Doctor.) 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 179 



June 20, 1919. 
Dear ? ? ? 

A letter and a book came today from my sister in 
Memphis. Inside the book is a very pathetic, as well 
as a very significant, little note. In fact there are 
several significant things about this book. Sister said 
a book agent called at her home a short time ago so- 
liciting orders. Sister gave her an order, and in a 
few days the book was mailed to her. 

Now, in the first place, the title — "What is Worth 
While?" — attracted my attention. Upon looking over 
the book I find that the underscored passages are 
identically the same as the ones in the book by that 
title that you sent me some time ago. BUT — the 
most significant thing of all is the construction of the 
note inside, viz — "Dear Lady: Here is a little book 
which I want to present to you as a token of my ap- 
preciation of your order. Do you know that for two 
long years I've been tramping from house to house 
soliciting orders for this book, and you are the first 
person who has favored me with a promise to pur- 
chase! For this reason the firm has decided to fire 
me, and as I am leaving the book business I want to 
send you this sample copy as an evidence of my 
gratefulness for the only order I have ever received. 



180 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

With many good wishes to you for your kindness, 
and hoping you will find the book to be really worth 
while, I am truly, 

Miss ex-Book Agent." 



Now sister knows nothing of the lady who sent the 
book, and of course I shall not tell her who the finger 
points to — but — I'm just wondering, — for first you're 
a Fortune Teller, then a Nurse; now a Book Agent! 
WHAT NEXT??? 

Bob. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 181 



June 23rd, 1919. 

Well, the one I received today caps the climax!! — a 
package through General Pershing's headquarters 
containing the communication you sent to General 
Pershing last February, together with the epistle 
which you inclosed for him to direct to me. 

Now in regard to that blooming letter you wrote 
General Pershing, I must say that you deserve the 
D. S. C. as a prize for skill, bravery, and triple-plated 
nerve. It was forwarded to me through military 
channels, finally reaching me with twelve indorse- 
ments. I added the thirteenth and returned it to 
Headquarters. 

I am now wondering whether you can behave 
yourself until I return to the States, for I am sailing 
tomorrow. 

Bob. 



182 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 




GREEK MEETS GREEK 



183 




184 GREEK MEETS GREEK 



July 5th, 1919. 

And so you've come back to Uncle Sam! Poor 
Uncle Sam, — how did he seem to stand the shock of 
your arrival? I hope it will not put him entirely out 
of commission, for he's a good old scout and should 
not be forced to undergo such a strain at his age in 
life. But of course you're young and thoughtless and 
did not stop to consider the untoward effect that your 
homecoming might have upon his delicate nervous 
system. 

I should think France would be a nice place to live. 
Didn't you like it? 

Now I realize that you're not altogether to blame 
for coming back, for of course when the other boys 
began to board the ship which was bound for IT. S. A. 
it was only natural. for you to want to follow suit. 
But — well, Mr. Shakespeare says we mustn't grieve 
over spilled milk; so as far as I'm concerned I in- 
tend to accept the inevitable with resignation ^nd 
try to make the best of it, remembering that 
*Trom the day you're born till you ride in a hearse 
There's nothing so bad but it might be worse." 

Big Sis. 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



185 



THE MEETING. 

Time— July, 1919. 

Place — A number-one good place! 

Scene — A sleeping patient; a trained nurse, and a 
knock at the front door. 




"Is this you, Sis?" 
"Sure— and this is— BOB?" 
"You're right." 

"Rats ! why didn't you let me know when you were 
coming for I had planned such a nice reception for 
you." 

"RATS, — I can just imagine what a trap it was too, 
and that's the very reason I slipped up on you!" 



186 GREEK MEETS GREEK 

**Yes, I had planned to adorn myself in raiments 
such as Solomon never dreamed of, and to meet you 
at the station in a ramshackle wagon drawn by an 
aboriginal Dear Kate! I had also plan — " 

"Oh, darn your plans! — I'm glad I've played the 
deuce with one of 'em! And say, girl, I've also suc- 
ceeded in getting even with Evolution, — for the ex- 
periences that I've had during the last twelve months 
have added twenty years to my life. How's that for 
SPEED!" 

The End. 



P. S. For further particulars read the sequel. 



SEQUEL 



GREEK MEETS GREEK 



189 




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